#43: Why Saying “I’m So Busy” Is Out of Touch
As I lay on my couch staring out the window at the colorful leaves for what seemed like hours during this spectacularly indulgent Minnesota autumn, I contemplated my small and brief existence in this world. It was easy to focus on my own finitude as my life has been bound to a 753-square-foot apartment for the last several weeks, compliments of a torn Achilles.
All this time of solo contemplation brought up a number of thoughts that have been rummaging around in my noggin’...some of them for years.
What if I slip and fall in my bathtub and no one finds me?
Why am I so reluctant to accept the generous offers of help from friends?
As I go through my days mostly horizontal, how will I ensure all those rogue facial hairs are properly managed before my partner, Shea, discovers the real truth? And shouldn’t we just normalize facial hair instead?
Is this Achilles injury the harbinger of what’s to come as I age? And, if so, which of my nieces and nephews will care for me when I’m elderly?
How can I functionally evolve from lowest-common-denominator living, where last night’s pajama pants become today’s loungewear and tonight’s workout pants? And will this help my motivation?
Why am I prioritizing a need for motivation instead of simply accepting this as an opportunity to rest and recover?
There’s an undercurrent of acceptance to it all. That is to say, I wasn’t trying to simply bypass these thoughts in an attempt to “optimize” my convalescence. I wanted to be with them...and to allow space for whatever would arise.
And I imagine I’m in good company with even having these thoughts. Am I right?
During the next several weeks, we’re going to explore these thoughts further...alongside the courses and contours of busyness, time management and productivity porn, internalized ageism, longevity, caregiving, social connection, and more.
In this article, we’ll focus on the “B” word...no, not that “B” word. The other one: busy. Because saying “I’m so busy” isn’t the status symbol you think it is. Actually, it’s one of the most out-of-touch phrases you could ever utter that’s fueling disconnection, giving the impression of deficiency, and holding you back from actually living what matters most.
That’s a pretty confronting opinion. And I’m doubling down on it by also suggesting that we need to strike "I'm so busy" from our vocabulary altogether.
“I’m so busy”... is one of the most out-of-touch statements you could ever utter. And, most importantly, it’s holding you back from actually living what matters most.
And if you’re thinking, “Yeah, Meghan...easy for you to say. You don’t have kids.” It’s true--I don’t have kids. But on top of a day job, I am an entrepreneur...and entrepreneurs and parents have similar lives in potentially a lot of ways:
Long days, late nights, and the continual blurring of it all
Constant pressure, strain, and stress
Needing to dive in and get your hands dirty, doing just about anything to get through the day...and often without credit
Seemingly never enough time or energy or money
So I get why you’d reflexively offer up, “I’m so busy.”
Also, I acknowledge that plenty of people are legitimately too busy, whether it's working two to three jobs to make ends meet, single parenthood, or both. But those are also usually not the people who are complaining about being too busy.
More often, the people who complain about being too busy use it as a cover for far less appealing problems. If we stopped blaming busyness, we might actually be forced to confront the real reasons why life can feel so exhaustingly impossible to keep up with sometimes. And I’m looking squarely at the multi-billion dollar youth sports industrial complex, among other things.
Like I said, your busyness isn’t the societal flex you think it is. And I’m here to say that if you keep operating from this false “busy trap,” then you’ll fuel disconnection with others, you’ll give the impression that you don’t know how to manage your time, and you’ll actually shut yourself off from living what matters most to you.
That’s a lot. So let’s unpack this a bit more…
Fueling Disconnection with Others
“I’m so busy” — I hear these three little, pesky words all the time. Usually in response to an earnest question like, “How are you?” Or when someone is declining a suggestion to socialize. And I can appreciate this because we simply can’t generate more time in our lives. It’s fixed and finite. And, on average, we’ve got four thousand weeks to work with.
But guess what? We’re all busy. So while you might think the message you’re sending when you say, “I’m so busy” is something along the lines of “My schedule is slammed,” what the other person hears is, “I don’t really want to talk with you.” Or “What I’m working on is more important than you.”
That kind of dismissal really stings, doesn’t it?
For starters, who said it needs to be a lengthy conversation? What if the connection could be fostered in brief moments of sharing over time? Like simply letting someone know you’re thinking of them when you see a funny meme or read an interesting article.
And isn’t it more important to show your loved ones their importance to you, than complaining that you don’t have time?
Plus, have you noticed that those who are most satisfied in their lives make time for relationships of all types?
The next time someone asks you how things are going, you might feel tempted to say, “I’m so busy.” Instead...
Pause (no, really...take a beat)
Ask yourself, “How is my busyness relevant to the other person?”
Express yourself differently by sharing something interesting: something you’re excited about, something you’re working on, or maybe something you did during the weekend
When you can make time to ask and answer questions--even in just a brief shared moment--you can get to know people and deepen relationships.
Giving the Impression That You Can’t Manage Your Time
Having a full calendar doesn’t make you special or separate you from others in the race to the top. Far from the badge of honor, you might think it is, claims of busyness can be a form of self-sabotage because they indicate to your boss and colleagues that you don’t know how to work smart or efficiently.
It’s like you’re asking to be judged on how busy you seem, not how productive you really are. And what you’re really saying is that you don’t know how to prioritize. But isn’t it more important to show your boss and colleagues that you actually know how to prioritize and can be trusted with their requests--including being honest about your own boundaries and timelines, rather than going on and on about how busy you are?
Plus, has there ever been a time when you’ve complained about being busy but got honest with yourself about using your time more effectively and then making a different choice? I’m betting it gave you energy...or at least a newfound sense of accomplishment.
Telling someone at length about how busy you are just isn’t remarkable--and it won’t enhance your career or life in general, either. So then it becomes a matter of making it clear that you can’t be all things to all people at once. This might sound like, “Would you rather I finish this first or help you with that?” In this way, you're acknowledging your commitments and forcing the question of priority on the person asking you to add to your workload. In most cases, they'll say to finish your work and then ask later to chat about a fresh request.
Shutting Yourself Off From Living What Matters Most to You
For a certain class of people in America, busyness has become an addiction...an assertion of societal value...a crutch to avoid facing the actual life busyness prevents us from living.
And then there’s productivity porn. I’ll save my critique of productivity porn for a future podcast episode, in favor of simply asking: How would you spend a week if you knew it was your last?
Your sense of overload isn’t unique. And being typecast as the person who’s self-important and always unavailable will only diminish your life...because when people think you’re too busy, they won’t present you with opportunities. Yet, you want people thinking of you when a truly amazing opportunity emerges, right?
I regularly work with people who struggle with work/life harmony. Not balance. Harmony. Or integration. And there’s often a reckoning with the idea of “having it all.” But proclamations of “I’m so busy” and struggling with this default way of life aren’t because people can’t manage their time. They’re struggling as a result of having unprecedented opportunities for work and play.
FOMO (fear of missing out) is real as we’re regularly reminded of everything we’re unable to become. All the things we don’t have, at the expense of our current status:
the dating life that goes out the door due to career ambitions, yet being reminded of the splendor of coupledom thanks to social media blitzes of date nights;
the career stagnation that accompanies prioritizing the choice to be a caregiver, all while watching friends achieve ever-increasing material success;
And countless others
On top of this, we’re drowning in the undercurrent of an overly-connected culture. And yet…
We keep choosing to body surf these waves of busy.
We keep playing into the tyranny of time or, rather, lack of time, as new opportunities multiply every day.
We keep making it harder and costlier to tune into what matters most.
Because when you attempt to do everything--to “have it all”--you’re essentially attempting to live a valueless life...a life where everything is equally gained and nothing lost. Where everything is necessary and desired equally, and so nothing is necessary or desired at all.
But your satisfaction and your fulfillment don’t require more time. They likely require less. After all, isn’t this--being clear about what you’re saying no to--the heart of an effective corporate strategy?
Because when it comes to mindlessly compete in the “Busy Olympics” with proclamations of “I’m so busy,” what you’re really saying is that your satisfaction, your fulfillment isn’t your priority.
And, yet, I’ve worked in wellbeing for nearly 20 years and, throughout my experiences, I’ve noticed that the most satisfied and fulfilled people are the ones who take complete responsibility for aligning their timeline and efforts with what they really want.
Making a Difference Choice
So now that you know this, what are you going to do?
Maybe you’ll read an article about time management to do all the things you want to do. Mostly because you think you should do them.
But what if you could take a different approach?
What if the answer isn’t to do more?
What if the answer is to be more honest about wanting less?
What if, instead of merely existing in dizzying cycles of busyness, you recognize and embrace life’s inevitable limitations and choose to live what matters most because of those limitations?
I’ll share a client case to illustrate this...
A few weeks ago, I worked with a client who was restoring her writing practice. To build momentum, she’d check in with me daily once she completed her writing. At one point she said, “The day got away from me,” to which I asked to offer a perspective. I shared that being more honest about her choice and agency to prioritize a different activity (in this case applying for a new job and catching up with a friend) is a more powerful and mobilizing statement that would free her from guilt and shame about not writing. And it would help her move through a host of unhelpful thoughts and emotions that might otherwise keep her stuck.
When I shared this with her…
She was able to free herself from the shackles of self-judgment.
She was able to step off the mindless “busy” train to mindfully honor what was most important.
And she was able to savor the positive emotions of her choices, which provides a host of additional mental benefits and a boost to her wellbeing.
You see--our work together wasn’t as much about ensuring that she wrote for 5 minutes that day, as it was about being in integrity with her values so she could live what matters most.
This distinction is important because it’s how we create the thoughts and feelings that’ll fuel upward spirals for our lives. This is where we create momentum...it’s the engine for our fulfillment and our positive contribution to the world.
A big part of the work I do with clients is focused on purpose...and purpose is a cornerstone of wellbeing, of life satisfaction, and of fulfilling your highest, truest expression of yourself. So often, though, people come to me with claims that they don’t know what they want to do. And that they’re so busy with their day-to-day that they don’t have the bandwidth to dedicate to this endeavor. But the real problem...or, rather, the real opportunity is in deciding what to give up.
For starters, I’d like us all to give up saying, “I’m so busy”...and to eliminate that pesky “B” word from our vocabulary. It’s simply not serving you for reasons that have to do with connection, competence, and contribution that I explored with you today. But once you’ve got that locked down, then, if you truly are so busy that you’re blocking others out, you want to ask yourself three questions:
Where can I get help to take some of the load off my plate or at least some social support to make it all more bearable?
How can I restructure my workload and time?
And what can I stop doing?
If you’re ready to tap into your authenticity, liberate yourself from unhelpful old patterns, and start living what matters most, then let’s schedule a free consult. Get started at meghankrause.com.
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