That Time This Past Week When I Was a Jerk

Fresh off a holiday about gratitude, I'm foregoing another listicle about 5 ways to practice gratitude to instead give you a "warts and all" example of a surprising source of gratitude for me this past week.

But first: can we all acknowledge that we each have our own special sh*t show? And that the meaning of life is in turning our sh*t show into a sh*ft show?

Yes? Okay, good. I'll now share my own sh*ft show from this week.

You know how it hurts your soul to be around someone who's constantly negative? SAAAAAAME.

Here I was: playing bocce in the Florida sun with loved ones when one of our group members behaved like a complete jerk...at. every. turn.

Jerk-dom has been a noticeable pattern of late with this person. I boiled over in frustration. For a brief moment, I was overtaken by my own thoughts and emotions (which is such a civilized way of saying I then became the jerk). I composed myself but chose to keep a safe distance to avoid exacerbating the situation.

Later, as I reflected on my reaction to the behavior of this person, I realized I had an important opportunity to actively build my empathy muscle for someone who means a lot to me (instead of avoid them)...and to dig further into what needs (the other person's and my own) weren't being met. Aha! This was my sh*ft show.

In coaching, this empathy-building work is part of a broader field known as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is a powerful method that helps you connect deeply with your own feelings and needs, or those of others. Here's what I mean when I say needs weren't being met in the example I shared (picture two sides of the same coin):

Annoyance could've been inspired
Upset could've been joy
Tension could've been relaxation
Anger could've been excitement
Hostility could've been exhilaration

I realized this person found it difficult to be inspired/joyful/relaxed, et al. because they likely weren't receiving enough of these qualities in their life. While I'm not responsible for their feelings, I also knew I could show up differently for them/us. For this entire experience, I'm wholly grateful.

SO WHAT: The next time you're quarreling with someone, ask yourself, "In what ways might their emotions be signs of what they're not receiving in life?"
NOW WHAT: Become more curious about possible underlying observations, feelings, needs, and requests in your interactions with loved ones.