#5: Perspective and Potential in Midlife
In our last episode I talked about transition – the shift in bullshift, how our values and brains change and how you can harness fear into taking the risks you want to take to getting the midlife you want. We talked about such party conversation starters as the hedonic treadmill, a Fucket list, and a midlife gap year. We were busy!
Today we’re going to dive into perspective and potential.
We’ll examine the pressure of possibility and potential, and I’ll offer a better way to think about potential – because WHO AMONG US NEEDS MORE PRESSURE!!
I’ll also give you tips on how to enjoy more satisfaction here at the bottom of the ol’ happiness U-curve of midlife -- without stuffing your bookshelves with self-help books!
I’m going to jump right in and drop one of the foundational cornerstones of a Bullshift – something that anchors all that I do and teach. Feel free to think of what I’m about to say as a neon sign:
Your Circumstances Are Neutral.
That doesn’t mean your circumstances are all the same, the facts of your circumstance will be different than the facts of mine.
But no matter what the facts of your circumstance are, it’s neutral.
I’m going to break that one down because it’s important, and really for lots of us, a new way to think about things.
Let’s begin by getting clear about what constitutes a circumstance. When you’re struggling with midlife meh, you’re likely having a lot of thoughts about it all. Setting your perspective is about separating your thoughts and opinions--a.k.a., your judgments--from your circumstances--a.k.a., the facts.
Circumstances are the facts of the world that you don’t have direct control over. Ahem: like being the age you are.
Perspective is how you organize/see/interpret/judge those circumstances.
Circumstances just are. Perspective is powerful...and active.
So you’re here in midlife feeling “off”...maybe you’ve lost the plot a bit, and that one question keeps rattling around in your head: “Is this all there is?”
You’re listening to me and curious about a bullshift because:
You’ve spent years chasing some perceived ideal of “achievement” when what you’re really seeking is fulfillment
You’re feeling overwhelmed with heaps of responsibility...kids, aging parents, a job...and you’re teetering at the edge of being able to manage it all.
Or you fear losing an essential part of your identity as you struggle to embrace rather than fight changing priorities
While you might label that your circumstance – if you really think about it, you might be able to tap into that part of you that recognizes that how you’re thinking and feeling about your life – fuzziness, fear, frustration, frenzy – isn’t serving you.
You might even blame yourself!
And this self-blame is a huge hurdle, which is why it’s so important you understand and distinguish the circumstances of your midlife from your perspective. And remember -- like put it in a locket and wear it, get it tattooed somewhere remember -- that one of these is fact, one is moveable.
Recap: It’s perspective. You are in charge of that.
Remember when we talked about the U-curve, that natural arc of happiness that we midlifers naturally – and normally - find ourselves at the bottom of?
Well, the suffering down there isn’t in the circumstance but, rather, in your response to it, interaction with it, and perception of it.
That blah feeling at the bottom of the happiness U-curve isn’t because of the way things are but rather how your brain is interpreting them as some sort of threat…or something you don’t want.
This is where it gets exciting. No really – do we have an “exciting” sound effect?? I can improvise….
PERSPECTIVE y’all!: What if this meh, the nagging questions about the best of your life being behind you instead of ahead, what if – hear me out – what if that is potential for change, and not an indicator of failure.
You see...life presents circumstances to illuminate where you’re not free to live in fulfillment—your opportunity is to interrogate what that’s revealing to you.
Let’s do a list, everyone loves a list:
You’re the one that gets to decide how you're going to feel about things.
You’re the one who gets to decide what things mean.
You’re the one with the power in your world.
If this podcast was Instagram, this would be something printed over a picture of a really beautiful sunrise: The wisdom and words of Eckhart Tolle teach that the only power you have is in this present moment right now.
When you’re arguing with reality, you’re spending your present moment in a fight you can't win. Your power is in your ability to accept the present moment exactly the way it is now without completely identifying with it.
Just because you accept that it “is” doesn’t mean you have to love it!
Said another way: You must be in full acceptance of your reality to be able to change it.
I know this is what I do and think about, but isn’t that awesome?? That even when it’s uncomfortable (maybe even only when it’s uncomfortable) the potential lives in the very thing that is causing you pain.
I think it’s like a sunshower. Or a rainbow during a storm.
Now, you might be thinking that if you accept reality, then you’ll lose your power to change it. But this is simply not true. Accepting the way things are doesn’t mean you agree with them or condone them. It just means you're not trying to change something by pushing hard against it.
You’re not trying to change the point, you are ready to change FROM that point.
There’s so much freedom when you release resistance against your circumstances.
This doesn’t disempower you just because you're not fighting or hating...which feels awful doesn’t it?
It doesn’t mean you can't be an agent of change in the world.
So many of us believe nothing will change if we're not angry...if we're not pushing against...if we're not resisting. So many of us believe that change comes from defending...and fighting.
But when you examine your life, the times when change actually occurs are when you stop fighting...when the war was over. You see...positive change has a very difficult time emerging from hate and resistance.
Look, folx...spite-change isn’t where we do our best work!
When you understand that circumstances are neutral and that your interpretation is what defines your experience, then you’ll start to see and know that you’re so much more powerful than you ever could’ve imagined.The world isn't batting you around. All these things aren't happening to you as if you’re a victim and the world is the perpetrator.
The world is just doing what the world does...presenting you with lots of neutral things. Some of which you want to interpret as negative, and some of which you want to interpret as positive...and that’s a beautiful thing if you’re equipped to handle those interpretations.
Circumstances are always neutral (if it feels like I’m repeating that, you are absolutely right!). Your brain makes them negative because it wants to protect you. The primitive brain, which we will have to outsmart on a lot of fronts!
To be clear: I'm not suggesting you change. But what you want to believe is just that--what you want to believe.
So when you start thinking something out there in the world is bad or negative or awful, just know you’re interpreting it that way, and then you get to decide if that's how you want to proceed.
Sometimes a situation is very clear, in terms of how you wish to feel. For example, you read a news story about elder abuse. You’ll likely decide that's a horrific thing...and you’ll have compassion for the victims in that situation...and you’ll feel angry about how often elder abuse happens in this world.
But so many circumstances aren’t so cut and dry--which means you have the opportunity and power to start choosing less negative thinking. Such as when somebody cuts you off while driving...or when someone doesn't call you back--you may decide in the moment that those are all optional negative experiences:
That Subaru is driven by someone who isn’t even an a@#hole, they simply didn’t see you--and they’re sorry! But still no one has invented the “My bad!” horn option – it seems like a necessary communication tool on the roads but I digress!
Maybe Jamie couldn’t get back to you because her son had a really rough day at school and she needed to be present in that.
So instead of choosing negative interpretations, you may choose to interpret those neutral events as neutral...or positive...or just a part of life.
I need to clarify: I’m not discouraging you from having feelings of anger, hatred, and horror. Just be sure you're doing it in a conscious way...in a way that you approve of. Not some knee-jerk reaction that you don't feel like you have control over.
You get to decide what everything means and how you will use each circumstance to either serve your life or detract from it. That’s completely up to you.
Every concern is of your own creation because your concern is just an interpretation of a circumstance.
So an important question to ask yourself--as you seek more freedom, peace, and fulfillment in your midlife--is this: Who would you be and what becomes available to you in the absence of all your concerns?
That's when you seize power in your life.
That's when you can begin to interpret all of these circumstances that are genuinely neutral in a way that serves you and the world.
Because remember: your circumstances are neutral...but what you think about them determines your entire life. No biggie.
That is a lot to take in.
But what I want to give you – or remind you of – is that you have all this wisdom and power inside of you RIGHT. THIS. SECOND.
Like you have it now, you’ve got that power to see “is this all there is?” as potential, not pressure. As an invitation to own your midlife malaise as a circumstance from which to choose your perspective forward.
I know first hand what it looks like when you aren’t sure of that power, when you waffle and wonder how to get unstuck. It looks like shelves and shelves and stacks of self-help books.
I’m not Marie Kondo, but you can go ahead and tidy up and drop those at your nearest little free library!
I say this as a person who does the work of helping people in midlife –- but the self-help pipeline is a racket! Ultimately, that inner wisdom you’ve got is far more powerful than anything you’d read in a self-help book.
You? Yup. It’s already in there. We aren’t automatically equipped with the tools to access and use that wisdom, but it’s there. And a bunch of books with soft-focus covers isn’t going to help you tap into it.
This is a moment where you might be saying (or thinking, but I have definitely been known to speak aloud to a podcast so no judgment): Okay...yeah, so what?
Sometimes these lightbulb thoughts, things that sound great and illuminating don’t translate from “so what” to “and then” – so what do we do with that knowledge? What can you do with this knowledge?
How many self-help books do you have on your shelf? How many powerful quotes have you put on your Instagram feed or written in your journal? And how many of those stay right there, vs. fueling an actionable change?
I’m not here to poop on self help books – and my Instagram has quotes, shameless social media plug: check me out @meghan_krause – I’m an “H” Meghan! BUT really, the focus of those books is insight. And insight isn’t inherently negative. But it also doesn’t automatically translate to transformation or change. Knowing isn’t doing.
Here’s the skinny, you can’t read yourself, or wish yourself or hate yourself into and through transition, you’ve got to coach yourself through. Coaching is my jam, and it changed my life.
Teaching people to cultivate their inner coach is also my jam – and more formally, a big part of my career. Look, I know firsthand and through my professional training, that the power of coaching in midlife is basically unicorn glitter voodoo magic. That’s not the scientific term but it could be.
Self-coaching can sound scary. You might be thinking...uhhhh, Meghan... “Isn’t it just more DIY, which hasn’t worked? Remember the aforementioned pile of self-help books?”
But self-coaching doesn’t mean you’re on your own to figure it out. Because you probably weren’t born with the innate ability to do that. Think of it as more DIT – do it together! I’m here to get you going and equip you. Tap you into that inner wisdom.
Without help giving context to that content the truth is--most of us ignore or misuse what’s going on in our mind and lack the tools to use it purposefully or channel our resources accordingly.
But coaching yourself through your bullshift looks like:
Getting clear about what’s your stuff to engage with and what’s a function of being in midlife to accept…
Identifying and understanding the thoughts and emotions that compromise and/or create your results
Learning a cognitive science-based system for processing them (and coaching yourself) to create more life satisfaction…
Rewriting your past and reprogramming your mind to create anew…
If we all inherently had the tools to coach ourselves, I wouldn't be here. But we don't. I've studied and learned and practiced so that I can give you these tools. Anyone can use them, and I can teach you how.
If you have time between running boxes of self help books to the curb, you can check out the Bullshift Self-Coaching Method. It’s a simple but powerful 5-step mindset practice. Think of it as an appetizer, a light meal to start feeding that inner wisdom!
I get seriously excited when I talk about self-coaching. Is my voice going up an octave? Because when it comes down to it, only you have the power to make yourself feel good or bad about your midlife. And it’s something. You. Can. Learn.
SIGNATURE SEGMENT: MIDLIFE IN REAL LIFE
Now’s a good time to do another installment of “Midlife in Real Life.”
I had a 36-year-old client--we’ll call her Esmeralda--who was in a toxic work environment, in a region of the country that felt isolating to her. She was considering leaving her hard-earned tenured faculty position...and leaving higher ed altogether.
You know how toxic work environments can derail your joy, attitude, goals...and your judgment, right?
Through our work together and her use of this self-coaching method, she got a clearer perspective about her agency in choosing to interpret her encounters differently. This clarity opened up dialogue with her colleague and they repaired their relationship. Her new found lightness helped mobilize her to create a focused vision for her life. Fast forward 9 months: she moved half-way across the country, chose to remain in higher ed, and now earns even more money in an enriching setting that supports the kind of lifestyle she desired. Her move was made from a place of empowerment, not despair.
So. Great. Just imagine having this level of clarity and alignment for your life.
Circling back, it’s perspective my friends! It’s not the circumstances you endure – those are neutral. Yup, neutral...but your thoughts about the circumstances create your experience and your satisfaction.
With that knowledge, the pressure of “Is this all there is?” can flip to the potential of the ability to feel better in any moment, and your position at the bottom of the happiness U-curve is a gift of circumstance that you can move forward from.
I’m really excited that we got to scratch the surface of self-coaching today, that I got to bombard you with the phrase “your circumstances are neutral” because setting your perspective is the foundational gold of a midlife bullshift.
On the next episode of Bullshift, I’m going to talk to myself – and you’re totally invited! -- as I talk to my 35-year old self about what I’ve learned and earned in midlife. Money, health, friendships, risk-taking, change, imposter syndrome and self-kindness.
I think 35-year-old Meghan is all of us really. So join me next week for a trip back in time a few years, probably a few embarrassing stories (I own it!) and some truth nuggets you can turn around and share with 30- 40- 50-something you.
You may also like…
