#4: Putting the Shift in Bullshift
In our last episode, I talked about 3 secrets to navigating life transitions. Today we’ll build on that and dig into the midlife transition – the SHIFT in bullshift, and I’ll share with you how to seize this time of your life.
Here’s what I hope you’ll learn from this:
How our expectations change as life goes on – changing values, a changing brain and something called the hedonic treadmill (which makes great party conversation)
The value in creating a “Fucket” list – like a bucket list but more irreverent, and with swearing!
How to make better use of fear during midlife to take the risks you want to take
The idea of a midlife gap year or gap time
Lots of goodies to share so let’s get started.
If I asked you about your identity – if I said “What are you like? What are your values?” – does that feel like a static question or a fluid one?
It probably feels like something set. We often believe we have a set identity, and an inherent set of values. But... plot twist: We create our identities…then we start creating stories about our identities. WHAT?
Like “I’m a neat freak”...I never let my space get messy.
Or “I’m just big boned.”
Story of Dad.
Or “I’m an athlete.”
This was my identity in college. And it meant certain things about where I lived, how I approached physical challenges, what I ate, my fitness regimen...you get the picture. No pain, no gain. I’m tough and can play through this injury.
Side note: My first year of playing collegiate fastpitch, I got hit in the face by a pitch. (story)
These stories that we create about ourselves -- based on the identities we hold for ourselves -- will reinforce our beliefs, our behaviors, and our environment. It’s a circle that feeds itself.
You might recall that quote by Gandhi:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
As we spin on this cycle, it can feel hard or impossible to get off – to veer into a different perspective, and acknowledge an evolving or shifting set of values.
We tend to make meaning from past events in our lives, and then apply those outcomes to a current situation, thereby bringing our past to the future, with no possibility to create something new.
But one of the truly great things about middlescence--despite its bad reputation and caricature of crisis--is that it IS a proven period of growth. You’re allowed – encouraged, really, since that’s the point of this podcast – to embrace what’s different, what’s shifted...to go forward and change.
Change and growth. If you take charge of your midlife, you can create something new, and that something is the life you want.
Your values can – and likely have – evolved. And your brain? Oh that changes. We’ll talk that science in future episodes. But we’re often stuck in a story, like it’s printed or tattooed on us.
What you wanted or believed mattered to you, what you valued and prioritized needn’t be the blueprint for what you do with this one precious midlife.
Speaking of precious, let’s talk about your Fucket List. No – not Bucket...Fucket. I love a good fucket list. And not just because it can feel really good to swear. Bucket lists are full of the things we want to accomplish and be/do/have in our lives. And that’s lovely. Buckets are cool.
But hear me out on the opposite. What’s on your “to-don’t” list? Imagine the freedom in unloading the mental and emotional burden of things you think you should do/want to do, and letting go of the things you used to want to do. Because remember what we just talked about? Those values and identities are not set.
This is midlife, baby, and for what if we cannot embrace the “gives fewer, more selective fucks” outlook on things – big things, and really mundane, everyday things - that take up space in our minds and don’t align with our values.
Think of things you started…
Took a few French cooking classes, partway there on a perfect soufflé.
Things you once aspired to – doing a triathlon.
Things you let lapse, never went to bed without reading a chapter of a book.
You’re a neat freak, your house is always company-ready.
Priorities shift, values change, identities aren’t set. This is why you create that Fucket list and fill it to the brim. Write it down if it feels good.
You don’t have time anymore for the pace of French cooking and, frankly, you prefer a Thai cuisine anyway. Put it in the Fucket.
You never did that triathlon because, really, you just like to bike. Put it in the fucket.
You still love to read, but there are nights/weeks/quarantines where you feel like winding down with Great British Bakeoff or Schitt’s Creek because that’s where you are. Right in the Fucket!
Isn’t this freeing? To Bullshift is to embrace the values, strengths, and identities of this time--not that version we feel locked into. And while a Fucket list can’t be a substitute for the work to get the most out of your midlife, it can free up some time, energy and mental and emotional effort to do so!
Plus it’s fun to say. One more time: Fucket list!
I feel like if we were all together somewhere, I would love to hear what was on each of your Fucket Lists (okay had to say it one more time) but instead I’m just making a quick mental note to myself about soufflés.
On a less irreverent note, it can feel uncomfortable to examine what is different, how we’re changing, and to face the possibility of being unmoored from who you’ve assumed you’d always be. To look closely, to turn on the lights could shake us, it could rock the boat of “I’ve got it pretty good” or “I’m already on this path, and there’s no point in altering course.”
A lot of us might have what looks like success in our careers, families, relationships– we aren’t doing so bad. It. Could. Be. Worse. But isn’t the real question, could it be BETTER?
And maybe you ignore that voice, or downplay it or look to some “if onlys” – I would be happier/more fulfilled...if I lost 15 pounds, if I got a promotion at work and made more money, if I met the right romantic partner. If only I got/achieved that thing, I. Would. Be. Happier.
This is so common, because we’re conditioned to believe that happiness is the end goal...and that happiness is tied to external forces. But in truth, when we actually obtain one of these “if onlys” – while there might be a boost of happiness, it doesn’t last and we’re back to our baseline level of happiness.
We’ve been consistently motivated by getting away from the fear that our lives aren’t good enough and the accompanying thought that if we could simply change the external circumstances of our lives and find the thing that changed that, then we’d feel better - or at least more whole.
If we changed our hair color, our clothes, our weight, our fitness watch or diet, our style, we are bombarded with messaging that leads us to believe that will make us happier.
But none of that makes the difference you might think or hope.
Those happiness carrots – we have ALL chased them! – they might taste good when you catch them, but they don’t fill you up!
Does this phenomenon have a name? I’m happy you asked! It’s something called the Hedonic Treadmill.
The Hedonic Treadmill--formally and sometimes also known as hedonic adaptation--is the idea that regardless of circumstances (both good and bad) people tend to return to a baseline level of happiness.
People have what is called a “set point of happiness” – and it does vary. You know those really optimistic cheerful people? They really are probably born that way!
And when both positive and negative things affect that set point, bringing a boost of happiness or a boost of sadness, it’s generally not permanent.
But like a hamster on a wheel, our happiness level on that Hedonic Treadmill might beg the question: How do I get off this thing and control my own outcome? Can’t we hop off the treadmill and make happiness breakthroughs?
The good news is YUP! It’s generally thought that about 60% of our happiness level is “set,” which is nothing if not an open invitation to jump off the hedonic treadmill and take your run to the trails.
I think I told you it was a fun piece of party conversation earlier. Imagine: you’re listening to someone musing about winning the lottery, solving their problems, you can put down that skewer of shrimp and cup, take a swig of punch, and remind them that they likely wouldn’t be any happier with that money than they are right now. Oh they hadn’t heard of the hedonic treadmill? You can explain!
Someone is definitely getting invited back!!!
What this looking for a change in happiness in our midlife looks like sometimes is buying that new car, or dating someone exciting. These “I’d be happier if” quick fixes are what dominate the narrative around dealing with midlife malaise.
What it more realistically sounds like is a voice – yours might be quiet and persistent, or it might be keeping you up at night screaming in your ear – asking “Is this all there is?” and “Is there more behind me than ahead of me?”
Whether it’s a whisper or a scream, this question is a normal one. Let it be put into the record that I loathe the word “normal” – BUT I’ll allow it here because it’s important that we don’t keep that question deep inside letting it fester. “Is this all there is?” can be a catalyst for crisis – OR a catalyst for a calling...some sort of positive change.
Crisis. While I will spend a lot of time here convincing you that midlife is not a crisis, it’s always the elephant in the midlife room. And that was NOT a wrinkle joke.
Being the force of positivity that I am (I think my set happiness point is showing!), I want to remind you of your big, beautiful agency! You can actually crisis-proof your midlife. And I have a handy spot to start! You can download my “How to Crisis Proof Your Midlife” Cheat Sheet at meghankrause.com/bullshift. Because as they say the more you know!!!
If you recognize that your priorities and values have shifted, if you recognize that what we might think of as the drivers of happiness, those external things we’ve “if only-ed” aren’t ACTUALLY going to answer the question of “is this all there is?” then where do you find space in a busy midlife, one generally full of routine?
I’m not trying to start beef between age groups here, but maybe youth is wasted on the young! Wink wink. Specifically, the concept of a “gap year” – something we associate with young adults between high school and college or between higher education and settling into a career.
I begrudge them NOTHING, and frankly wish I’d backpacked through Europe before launching into grad school 1.0 for rhetoric and feminist media studies. BUT there is an emergent trend of the midlife gap year. And if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense!
If a gap year is meant as a salve for burnout, to explore unknown people and places, and to discover ourselves – do those things not exist in midlife? Are they not perhaps amplified?
Considering midlife – our middelescense as a defined period of social and emotional growth – we’d be wise to mind the gap!
What does a midlife gap year look like? First it doesn’t need to be a year. A gap “increment of time” just doesn’t roll off the tongue. We can shorten it to “gap time.” We’re busy, we have careers and families and commitments – all of which might determine how much gap you’ve got to work with – but that doesn’t mean you can’t access this time of discovery.
Midlife gap time could mean volunteering, it could be travel – purposeful or with the purpose of fun, it could be the Peace Corps (it’s not the domain of 23 year olds!) or it could be a return to the classroom. Some colleges and universities are even catering specific learning programs to the midlife career shift.
Or it could look like whatever you need to reacquaint yourself with yourself, connect with and explore what has shifted in your identity, and seek what fuels happiness outside the external signals we rely on and reflexively turn to.
SIGNATURE SEGMENT: WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT
Okay, friends I’ve got another installment of “What I Learned About...” where I share stories from my own life that can offer perspective about the topic at hand.
Today, I’m sharing “What I Learned About Midlife Gaps from that Time I Unwittingly Flirted with Russia’s Prime Minister Medvedev as I Set Off Ljubljana Castle’s Alarms.”
Yes, I’m serious. This really happened.
If you’re going to take Midlife Gap Time, there are a few proven principles you’ll want to consider. I’ll illustrate them using examples from my 2015 trip to Croatia and Slovenia.
If possible, engage in something substantive...and with purpose. I had recently left a job and was starting my own business--it was definitely a liminal period for me. I’d heard great things about both Croatia and Slovenia and wanted to experience new parts of the world while creating space for myself to open up to new ideas and inspiration for where I was going next in my career. I brought my Mom along because she’s the right kind of chill for adventure and misadventure, as you’ll soon learn.
This is a time to travel, not tour. It can be tempting to pack a full agenda and check items off the list. But when you allow yourself to just be present to what is and immerse yourself in your surroundings, you’ll be surprised at your renewed sense of excitement for life. Like that time when Mom and I biked along Lake Bled, awestruck by the beauty but also on the hunt for the rowing club house. Sure, I could’ve looked up the specific address and had us follow a specific route to arrive at a pre-determined time; instead we chose to hop on the bikes supplied by our AirBnB rental and see where the afternoon would take us. We ended up biking down the private drive to the summer home of Slovenia’s President. It was glorious! I mean, we definitely eventually got in trouble with the security officer at the gate we had just whizzed past...but this was memory making. And it’s also a perfect example of one of my penchants for doing things that are illegal but harmle ss.
Speaking of biking, having down time matters….which leads me to principle #3: Make time for rest. When I say rest, I don’t mean scroll Instagram...or plan the next day’s agenda. I mean *really* rest. Mom and I arrived in Slovenia and immediately went to Lake Bled, known for its natural beauty and outdoor adventure. To this day, it’s a top 5 place for me. Anyway, we were set on canyoning, which basically means you rappel and jump down waterfalls. So on our very first full day, my mom and I went canyoning in the Julian Alps. Mom’s basically a rock star--she’s nearly 30 years older than me and I was a good 10 years older than every other person on our trek. We climbed the Alps, we rappelled and jumped down waterfalls, and we made it back to our lodging. It wasn’t until Mom and I headed out to bike around that I learned she had sprained one ankle and likely broken a toe on the opposite foot. She’s sneaky like that. Love ya, Mom. Since this was the first day of a three-week trip, we hit pause on the biking and I forced Mom to rest. With proper care, her ankle healed fairly quickly...the broken toe was another matter. Not that Mom would let that slow her down anyway.
Magic happens when you allow yourself to be away from home and the familiar...and especially when you can meet new people. During our time in Ljublana, our AirBnB host was a lovely woman named Christina whose small but well-appointed apartment was filled with paintings and photos and other words of art from her years of travel. She was the daughter of the personal physician to Haile Selassie, the former Emperor of Ethiopia. She regaled us with stories of her global travels and was also clear that no amount of material possessions and trips overseas could replace the power of connection she felt with her guests. And we really felt that, too.
Oh...and I can’t forget the story of flirting with the Prime Minister of Russia. I guess that could be considered magical, too, in some odd way? Maybe? Mom and I took the funicular to see the Ljubljana Castle and we noticed our car was full of very well-dressed people. By contrast, I was wearing purple paisley hammer pants. Yep. Anyway, we arrived at the top to find sections of the castle cordoned off and when we asked what was happening, we were greeted with very minimal information due to security issues. So Mom and I continued with our plans, using those audio guides to inform what we were seeing. We were so engrossed in the environment that we failed to notice we’d stepped outside the cordoned grounds and, consequently, set off the castle alarms. All eyes were on us, including those of Russia’s Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev. His eyes lingered a bit longer. Not knowing who he was, I was struck by his demeanor and attire...not entirely sure why he was still looking at me...so I smiled...and then he smiled and winked at me. Which is hilarious because I’m sure my smile was more nervous and clumsy. But I was simultaneously flattered and creeped out. Later, Mom and I laughed when we found out who he was. And, really, this just illustrates the power of gap time, which is that we feel most alive when we’re on the edge of what’s comfortable.
I want to revisit fear because it’s a constant companion to change and I’m here talking to you about all the ways we can change the course of our midlife, make a fucket list, hop off the Hedonic Treadmill, take midlife gap time. But that can all feel scary.
We are wired to avoid scary, it’s why change is hard! And while we know fear has a real physical purpose in keeping us safe – we also know somewhere in there, that it keeps us from more, new and different in ways that hurt us or keep us from our potential.
Remember, your own brain is designed to scare you, and to generate doubt and confusion. It doesn’t mean to...but it’s stuck in the past and wants to keep you alive. Sweet, well-meaning, primitive brain!
Your brain most often tells you: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE every time you do something that isn’t part of its original programming of seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and expending minimal effort. This is a familiar thought, and a natural tendency.
Much like we talked about an identity feeling “fixed” though, this natural tendency isn’t indelible, we are able to override our brain and change our thoughts around confronting fear, what it is that makes us scared.
Picture a house w/ the lights off…it’s similar to a brain we’re not paying attention to…so we go inside the house and turn the lights on. Turning lights on doesn’t provide relief—it just shows us the mess.
The same is true when we show ourselves our thinking…it can be overwhelming and scary at first. We FEAR seeing and feeling things. The most obvious answer that will come from your brain is this: TURN THE LIGHTS BACK OFF.
Can this monster be wrangled, redirected and put to good use!? Oh my gosh! It CAN!
And the call is coming from inside the house! YOU already possess the internal wisdom and knowledge to do it. Next episode we will dive into your perspective and potential, as we tackle the oppression and possibility of self-help in Midlife.
WHEW. I feel like we covered a whole heckuva lot today. Remember, you can find my guide to How To Crisis-Proof your Midlife and read more about my complete range of resources at meghankrause.com/bullshift.
Thank you for listening, I’ll catch you next time on Bullshift.
And until then, get to that fucket list!
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