#6: What I'd Tell My 35-Year-Old Self
Let’s take a ride on that wild past-present-future continuum and check in on a girl I once knew, in the days when the late aughts still felt fresh and new...at a time where someone described 2020 to you, you would have laughed and laughed because, NO WAY.
Do we have a time machine sound effects or…no? Like a clink, swoosh swoosh kind of thing. Anyway, consider time, traveled.
Here’s the thing about 35-year-old me. She was EXACTLY where she wanted to be – where she thought she’d be happy and fulfilled and challenged and ultimately where she could help people.
Boxes were checked, Ts were dotted and I’s were crossed, if you know what I mean. It wasn’t like 35-year-old Meghan was on an obviously “wrong” path – if you can’t see me, there are big-time air quotes around “wrong.”
We’ll come back to that – to check boxes and what looks and sounds like the right thing...now back to me at 35. Y'all, I was cute – NOT THE POINT, I know.
Anyway, I had already established a great career in “wellbeing” – exactly what I’d wanted to do, and you know what? I was pretty good at it. I was doing the right things...hitting the right milestones.
But even in those moments of “right” (there are air quotes again), I had that gnawing feeling at every turn. And here’s where I’d tell my gal, me, my first bit of earned wisdom: No one knows what they’re doing, Meghan!
And that doesn’t have to be a thing we hide or ignore – but a thing we work with and through. We aren’t alone in this feeling – far from it. 35-year-old Meghan felt isolated in that feeling because I was educated, trained and good at my job, but I still felt like I didn’t know what I was doing – because that little voice was asking if I was doing the right thing, in the right way.
And when we’re not in tune with that voice, or open to that question, our natural instinct is to shut it down. Look – we JUST got to the place we’re supposed to be! We’re on the right path! We do not have time to question and god forbid, reconsider the path entirely!
So 35-year-old me forged ahead.
I was a director of well-being, serving thousands but wanting to do my own thing.
Then, I did my own thing in wellbeing innovation consulting but still ended up with the following list – on top of burnout. Like a clinical definition of burnout:
Long hours isolated behind a screen.
Missed social gatherings.
Crippling self-doubt.
Shiny-object syndrome.
A battering sense of “not enough-ness."
Anxiety and depression.
Unwitting, months-long black mold exposure exacerbated everything.
Inexplicable rapid weight gain...18 lbs in 6 weeks to start
And the cherry on top: a breakup with my long-term partner.
That cute gal in the time machine was hurting. Was left still with that question...the question...THEE question: Is this all there is?
And 35 year old me asked that question from a place of understanding.
I believed all the things. But, emotionally, I didn’t FEEL them. I was all up in my head...trying to be rational about everything... yet, that seldom translated to sustainable change in my own life. I’m sure this feels a little familiar to you.
It was confusing, distressing, and maddening. Talk about imposter syndrome.
Here I was...basically a well-being expert--with countless degrees and certifications and training to prove it--and I believed my talk…yet, I couldn’t always walk my walk. It wasn’t until I fully embraced coaching and learned how to develop my inner coach that I was able to put together the cognitive psychology that could rewire my brain with the optimist values that informed my life.
The result was the ability to actually match my feelings and actions to my beliefs. And holy shift does life make a ton more sense now. Not just because I experience this liberation on a daily, but because I get to teach other midlifers the tools of their own liberation.
Now that we’ve been reacquainted – and I’m drawn right back to that space, I realize that some of this will be heavy and deep, and some of it will be a gentle poke – like that graduation speech that tells you to reach for the stars but definitely also wear sunscreen (which is also legitimately important but you get my point).
When we look back, what we could and should have done differently is all along the spectrum.
And whether you at 35 was tracking exactly where you wanted to be or if you at 35 had taken the other direction at every fork -- midlife malaise doesn’t care!
I beat myself up when what I’d wanted left me, well, wanting. When I struggled with the very things I worked with people on. Because I was operating like 35-year-old me would always of course be me.
We assume a set identity, a set way we are and we accept a set story about ourselves that we view as unchanging and unchangeable.
It is okay to arrive at your midlife “what the heck...is this all there is?” moment from both obvious missteps and diversions AND from the straightest and most focused paths.
You. Are. Allowed. To. Change. Your. Mind.
And I am here to tell 35-year-old Meghan (she’s heard it before mind you) and you of 10-20 years or 20 minutes ago, that midlife, and the scientifically proven social and emotional growth it opens for us, is the exact right place to ask and answer the question of “is this all there is?” in the most authentic and useful way.
But here’s the big thing – the really, really big thing – these talks we have with ourselves from 10-20 years ago? They aren’t really for that you. Would that you have really even listened or known what to do with such sage advice?
This talk is for Meghan now, for you now. Because first: there’s no going back. And second: that best isn’t behind us. We’re in the position to shape our lives going forward, and answer these questions from a place of wisdom and experience.
So yeah. What you feel...what’s hard for you...I see that. I feel that. And I have compassion for it. But then I also have that part of me who knows (like a long list of degrees and certifications knows) what to do--how you can climb out of the despair--however deep or shallow it may seem--to change your midlife. I’ve lived and learned enough to be your guide on the side as you make possible more satisfying midlife on your terms. Because that’s a role I LOVE--and you can ABSOLUTELY DO IT.
You and I are both in our midlife. I’m not 31 talking to you from a point of solely research and degrees, and I’m not firmly past my midlife looking back through a blurry filter on these hard times. I’m doing it. I’m living it. I’ve researched and studied and earned degrees, but I also practice the very things I teach and coach. Every. Single. Day.
Developing anew isn’t comfortable. On a cellular level, it’s not comfortable. You’re creating new neural pathways and experiencing new hormones...you’re literally altering your biochemistry.
So yes, change is scary and uncomfortable: mentally, physically, and emotionally.
In this case, your discomfort is a good thing.
Actually, the very fact you’re aware of it shows you’re bigger than the discomfort...that you can’t be trapped within it.
Who you truly are isn’t trapped within/confined to the discomfort.
It’s a sign of having the space for it.
And you can turn toward the commitment of experiencing what it presents.
You’ve probably had flashes of understanding some of these things. Maybe you read something like that in one of those self-help books you sold at the last neighborhood garage sale. But without help giving context to that content, most of us ignore or misuse what’s going on in our mind and lack the tools to use it purposefully or channel our resources accordingly.
But...
When you get clear about what’s your stuff and what’s a function of midlife…
When you can identify and understand the thoughts and emotions that compromise and/or create your results and learn a cognitive science-based system for processing them (and coaching yourself) to create more life satisfaction…
When you can rewrite your past and reprogram your mind to create anew…
You’re living in your full power.
So if you’re thinking to yourself, “You know what, self? I think it’s time for me to create my bullshift.” I’ve got you covered. Just go to meghankrause.com/bullshift.
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