#32: What to Do About “I’m Too Old”
Nearly 1 in 2 respondents to a recent survey I issued said one of the barriers to pursuing their purpose was the belief that “I'm too old to make a change toward what I want.” Roughly 2 in 5 said, “No one will want to hire me at my age.”
Let me say here at the outset: just because you think these thoughts, it doesn’t mean they’re true.
And you might have a few different reactions to this...like
“They’re true, Meghan.”
Or “Yeah...I KNOW, Meghan. But I still think of them. And it’s a problem, I realize. But I don’t know what to do about it.”
Or just fall into maniacal laughter.
But, remember: a thought is just a sentence in your mind--no more, no less. And when you repeat the sentence enough, that’s when it becomes a belief.
On the one hand, it’s depressing to read a recent Fast Company article about how so many Americans are struggling in midlife. On the other hand, it’s encouraging to see this kind of sociological exploration in a business publication.
I’ve had several clients somewhere between the ages of 35 to 65 struggle in several areas of their life. That’s why they come to me: purpose, perimenopause, play...and much more. I’m here to help you navigate life transitions with greater meaning, purpose, and skill.
And this work is so needed right now. Today, midlifers report more daily stress and poorer physical health and psychological well-being compared to middle-aged adults during the 1990s. And the situation is much worse here in the U.S. than in other wealthy nations (other than Australia, which has a similar challenge).
“Why?” you ask. Well the study cited a range of reasons:
More job instability and a lack of family emergency savings
Children falling behind in school and struggling emotionally
The “sandwich generation” phenomenon of needing to care for parents and children at the same time
The obsessive cult of American ambition and success
And increased social isolation, especially among men
What resonates for you?
Many believe their situation is unique or their own fault when the problem is actually more systemic. The lack of a well-planned caregiving infrastructure in the U.S. seems like one of the root causes. A recent AARP report estimated that in 2020, there were 53 million caregivers whose unpaid labor was valued at $470 billion.
Countries with happier and healthier midlifers, like Germany, Denmark, and Sweden, offered more “social wellness” programs—paid parental leave, subsidized child care, and more reliable health insurance to create a stronger safety net. Yes, they often had higher taxes as well.
These are important areas of need. And while I’ll always advocate for systemic changes that support the well-being of all, today I’m going to dive into personal change that each of us can make...especially when our minds are filled with thoughts of “I’m too old” and discounting possibilities with the “at my age” disclaimer.
The work of personal change begins, in part, with curiosity. With asking more powerful questions. To do this, I need to first provide some context.
Paul Harris, a Harvard child psychologist and author, says that a child asks about 40,000 questions between the ages of two and five. According to Harris, "During the ages of two and five, a shift occurs in the kind of questions being asked: from simple factual ones (name of object) to requests for explanations. By age 4, the lion's share of the questions is seeking explanations, not just facts." “Why? Why? Why?” you might recall the repetitive questions of a little one in your life.
Harris points out that they're also like anthropologists—they don't just conduct experiments, they ask the people around them questions.
Unfortunately, as we get older, our educational system encourages us to seek--or even just give--answers, not questions. By the time we enter the workforce, even the simple questions have been educated right out of us. And we’re rewarded when we can optimize our resources. But this is a game of extraction, not exploration. It’s as if we’ve wiped out the opportunity for curiosity. And this isn’t without consequence. In business...and in life.
William Yeats famously once said, "Education is not filling a pail. It's lighting a fire." From my vantage point, all the good fires started with a curious mind and a powerful question.
Instead of resigning ourselves to thoughts of “too old” and such, we’re going to shift our patterns. We’re going to light the fire of curiosity for ourselves through powerful questions.
Back to that recent Fast Company article I mentioned earlier: It’s not just that times are tough. Or that we need to be skilled in supporting ourselves amid the difficulty. That’s a big “duh, Meghan.” It’s that these tough times are also asking something of us. I’m reminded of a Viktor Frankl quote, “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.”
When we revert to being “too old,” we’re eliminating opportunities we couldn’t even imagine.
But when we ask powerful questions, we open up a world of possibilities. Here’s why...
When you ask your brain questions, it can’t help but find an answer. That’s what the brain is trained to do. It loves to answer questions.
If you ask your brain a really crappy question, it’s going to give you a lot of negative thinking. Examples include: “Why won’t anyone hire me? Why is it so hard to get a job at my age? Why is everything geared toward younger people?”
If you ask your brain powerful questions, it’ll give you thoughts to think that are powerful. Examples include: “How can I contribute value to this organization? How can I help the world today? How can I use my hard-earned wisdom in new ways? Where might people be seeking my perspective and experience?”
A powerful question spurs helpful emotion and, ideally, action, too. Here are a few examples:
“What are the next three steps I can take to continue moving forward?”
“How can I create what I want?”
“What evidence shows that I’m capable?”
“What’s a more helpful response in this situation?”
“Where’s an opportunity for growth?”
Each of these questions contains two qualities: first, they have a positive or neutral premise; second, they encourage your brain to come up with more helpful thoughts and outcomes.
This approach gives you power over your life. Instead of thinking you’re too old, or that no company is interested in what you have to offer at your age, or that things are happening to you, or that your feelings are overwhelming you, you can begin to see where you’re able to create greater influence over your life.
I’ve given you a few examples of powerful questions--and I’m certain you have more. To get started with developing your powerful questions practice, begin by writing down everything you’re thinking. This is a judgment-free exercise, by the way. You’re just free writing to get all of your thoughts on paper, though you’ll want to limit your time doing this to 5 to 10 minutes to avoid rumination.
Next, notice how each thought causes you to feel. Allow the feelings--and because you’re bigger than them, you can just play the role of watcher with them.
And then move to asking powerful questions of yourself. They’ll help you to get your brain focused...to tell your brain what to do...and to come up with more supportive thinking for you.
If you’re wanting to learn how to allow and move through your feelings about these thoughts, join me on Instagram this week, where I’ll be leading a tapping exercise to support you with this.
Finally, and I’ve talked about this in a lot of my early podcast episodes but remember: in a lot of really concrete ways, you’re in the prime of your life. I know, I know...Gen X seldom gets credit, but you’re squarely the backbone of society right now...while having to simultaneously bridge younger and older generations through a range of professional and personal responsibilities. And, as you do it all, remember that you’re not alone.
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