A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to 40...

I WENT IN SEARCH OF SELF-WORTH BUT INSTEAD GAINED SELF-ACCEPTANCE.

For my first 38 years, life was a series of high-achieving goals:

It started in childhood when I earned the Presidential Physical Fitness Test “top patch” three years in a row. (You'd better believe I practiced my pull-ups. #farmstrong)
It continued throughout my teens when I captained athletic teams/served as Junior Class and Student Body President/sang the lead in the school musical, and more.
In my 20s and 30s, I went to top grad school programs twice and pursued high-octane career experiences (always chasing those gold stars).

Each time I accomplished something I set out to do, I felt that rewarding hit of self-worth. And I’d believed that the reserve I amassed from all those hits would’ve served me well as I ventured into a solo consulting gig, where the only limit was my mind.

Uhhhh...I was wrong.

I finally "got it," when I was felled by chronic fatigue, depression, black mold exposure, professional uncertainty, financial insecurity, and relationship heartbreak. Knocked squarely on my a$$, I finally questioned the eager way I went about pursuing self-worth.

While proud of my accomplishments, I came to realize that pinning my self-worth on a job, academic appointment, salary, boyfriend, or weight loss was absurd. Self-worth isn’t an emotion; it’s not a hormone we’re born with or a chemical, like serotonin or dopamine, that can be regulated with a pill. Self-worth is a cognitive process that strains to access our self-acceptance.

How much wiser would it be to pursue self-acceptance instead? Self-acceptance doesn’t feed off lofty achievements or accolades to pump us up—it’s a more grounded state of feeling satisfied about our lives. Admittedly, it’s hard to accept ourselves passively—it requires active practice.

According to neuroscience research, there are three ways to increase self-acceptance:

Self-awareness (“meta-awareness of yourself”), which can be practiced through more engaged listening—to yourself and others. (Yep--all those voices in your head are maybe telling you something of value beyond, "How can a single Lego cause so much pain when I step on it?")
Self-regulation (“an ability to effectively manage or alter your responses and impulses”), which can be practiced by reframing negative criticisms as opportunities for self-growth, and being present to but not acting upon negative emotions.
Self-transcendence (“a positive relationship between yourself and others that transcends self-focused needs and increases pro-social characteristics”), which can be practiced by contributing to your family, colleagues, or community in heartfelt and authentic ways. (Turns out our parents' bowling leagues did more than give us free time at home to tie up the land line while watching Dynasty.)

To support your self-acceptance practice, I’ve previously shared the power of neutral thoughts. Another approach is lovingkindness meditation. I’m offering below the phrases I use in my own self-acceptance practice for guidance, but you’re invited to alter these phrases by choosing whatever words resonate for you.

Let me know how this practice goes for you in the comments below!

Become comfortable in your chair or cushion, sitting with a relaxed but straight, posture, with your shoulders relaxed. (Pause)…

Allow your hands to rest comfortably in your lap. Gently close your eyes… (Pause)…

Settle into awareness of the body…and the breath…

Feel into your body right now…noticing what’s here…open to whatever is to be experienced in the body in this moment.

Connect to the breath…noticing the wave-like movements of the belly…

In this practice, we’ll be cultivating loving kindness. We all have within us this natural capacity for lovingkindness. Or friendship that is unconditional… open… gentle… supportive.

Lovingkindness is a natural opening of a compassionate heart…to ourselves and to others.

We begin with developing lovingkindness toward ourselves…allowing our hearts to open with tenderness,

So, beginning now, offering these words in your mind for yourself…

May I be filled with lovingkindness
May I be held in loving kindness…
May I accept myself just as I am…
May I know the natural joy of being alive…

And, now repeating in the mind these words of friendship and kindness to yourself once again…

May I be filled with lovingkindness
May I be held in loving kindness…
May I accept myself just as I am…
May I know the natural joy of being alive…

Now you can open the circle of lovingkindness by bringing to mind someone who is dear to you. Someone whom you care about and who has always been supportive. Reflect on this person’s basic goodness, sensing what it is in particular that you love about him or her…

May you be filled with lovingkindness
May you be held in lovingkindness…
May you accept yourself just as you are…
May you know the natural joy of being alive…

Now bring to mind a “neutral” person. This is someone you might see regularly but don’t know well…It might be a neighbor, a grocery store clerk…

May you be filled with lovingkindness
May you be held in lovingkindness…
May you accept yourself just as you are…
May you know the natural joy of being alive…

And now, if possible, bring to mind someone with whom you’ve had a difficult relationship. Perhaps it’s someone you don’t like to feel sympathy or compassion for. Seeing if it’s possible to let go of feelings of resentment and dislike for this person. Reminding yourself to see this person as a whole being…deserving of love and kindness. As someone who feels pain and anxiety…as someone who also suffers…

May you be filled with lovingkindness
May you be held in lovingkindness…
May you accept yourself just as you are…
May you know the natural joy of being alive…

Now, allow your awareness to open out in all directions…yourself, a dear one, a neutral person, and a difficult person…and to all beings…humans and animals living everywhere…living in richness, poverty, war, peace, hunger, abundance…

May you be filled with lovingkindness
May you be held in lovingkindness…
May you accept yourself just as you are…
May you know the natural joy of being alive…

And now, bring this practice to a close by coming back to extend kindness to yourself. Sit for a while in the energy of lovingkindness that may have been generated here.

Take a deep breath in. And breathe out. And another deep breath in and let it go.

Notice the state of your mind and how you feel after this meditation.