#8: What Really Contributes to Your Burnout
Today, we’re exploring three big contributors to burnout. There are several others too, but I’ll speak to some of the most prominent ones...and you can learn more about the rest when you join the School of Midlife.
Lately, I’ve been having so many conversations--with friends, colleagues, and clients--about burnout. To be clear, they’re not calling it burnout. They’re just lamenting about life in general and how their body-minds feel. But if you listened to their proclamations...and you listened to my last episode about how to tell whether you’re experiencing burnout...you’d be able to do the math. It’s burnout! You’re smart like that...and that’s why you listen to my podcast.
Unfortunately, the word “stress” has become such a commonly used term and normalized in our society--in some ways, it’s even glamorized!--that when I try to broach this topic, I often hear, “I know stress is bad but let’s talk about XYZ diet or XYZ workout and why I should follow it to fix my [symptom].” This pattern is indicative of a major contributor to burnout: not understanding and managing our stress response.
Digging into the stress response is not a place many of us want to explore. Is it because it feels too overwhelming? Out of our control? Or maybe we just think that stress can’t possibly be the root cause of such significant illness? Why is it easier to blame food or fitness?
We tend to be very poor self-reporters of our stress levels because, as a society, we’ve normalized exceedingly high levels of stress, even wearing it and talking about it like a badge of honor. And we’ve just come to accept the prominence of certain stressors in our lives. But we really need to distinguish our stress from our stressors because burnout is caused by chronic stress, not stressors.
Stressors are external factors:
To-do Lists
Financial problems
Anxiety about the future
Discrimination
Family time
Cultural norms
Work
Stress: the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter stressors. It’s not inherently bad. Actually, it’s an evolutionary and adaptive response that helps you stay alive. So, yes, you want stress to happen.
“So then what’s all the fuss with burnout?” you might ask.
Picture this simple equation: Stressors experienced consistently over time + lack of coping skills and/or no change in environment = chronic stress. Think of a toothache. Acute pain on and off + no intervention - I’ll just chew on the other side = chronic pain and probably a more involved treatment than if you dealt with that early pain, right?
Burnout is what happens when we get stuck in our emotions instead of experiencing our way through them.
Often we can’t control the stressors (work, kids, family) but we can control how we manage the stress in our bodies. Here are some clues that you might be struggling with stress--warning: this isn’t a comprehensive list:
Depression/anxiety
Anger, irritability
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Problems with memory/concentration
Feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated
Digestive distress (constipation, diarrhea, bloating)
Appetite changes
Pain/tension in your head, chest, abdomen, or muscles
Lowered sex drive
Irregular or painful menses
Increase in blood pressure and/or heart rate
If you want to hear more about stressors vs stress and how to manage your stress response, check out a book called Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski. If you prefer the shorthand version, check out this Brene Brown podcast interview with them. I also help you explore this further and what works best for you to actually complete the stress cycle inside the School of Midlife.
Our stress response system was designed to be activated in short bursts when we need to survive. Unfortunately, it’s activated much more often and we’re feeling the consequences. When I talk to clients about stress many are familiar with the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. These two are our major players in the stress response but many other hormones are affected when our stress response system is activated. Each of us processes stress hormones differently for a variety of reasons because we’re biochemically unique.
We also process stressors differently. As we grow up our brains learn how to appropriately respond to stress. When the young brain is constantly in a state of “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” it causes lasting changes. The original research on how stressors in childhood affect long-term health was called the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study. The results were profound. There is a direct association between the number of adverse events in childhood and the risk of illnesses as an adult such as heart disease, IBS, diabetes, migraines, insomnia, and more. This is after they controlled for diet, socioeconomic status, smoking, etc. More than 60% of us have experienced at least one significant adverse childhood experience.
In short: chronic stressors lead to an overactive stress response that causes lasting damage. Each of us is unique in how we process these hormones and how easily we’re triggered by stressful events. We’re not great at recognizing and reporting how many stressors are causing an increase in the stress response. This is a really important piece in managing burnout...and chronic illness.
So to recap: not understanding and managing our stress response is one cause for burnout. Another is holding on to some long-held myths. There are many, but today I’ll share the big three.
Burnout myth #1: If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
Okay, people. It’s time to STOP the madness here. If you have tendencies that lead to burnout and are in a culture that promotes burnout, you can burn out no matter how much you love your job or no matter how much you really DO want to make a difference in people’s lives.
Say it with me: Burnout is not a result of a passion deficiency. This type of thinking is problematic because it prevents people that are passionate about their job from recognizing their burnout and it makes everyone who knows they are burnt out question their passions.
Your passion isn’t the problem. It’s also not the solution. Amen and hallelujah.
Burnout myth #2: Burnout is for the weak.
Whew--this sure is a silly perspective. But it’s nonetheless a prevalent one. In a culture that glorifies long hours, constant accessibility, and more is more as far as work, we get a skewed framing of strength and weakness. Some people are more resilient than others--and scientists haven’t exactly figured this out yet. They also can’t agree on how much adversity or stress increases resilience and how much breaks it down--because it’s different in each person. Everyone has a threshold for how much they can take and that threshold has nothing to do with your strength. In fact, the strongest among us often carry more than our allotted load, therefore diminishing our resilience and leading us to burnout. I see this directly in my work with healthcare workers.
Being resilient and increasing resiliency doesn’t make you STRONGER. It makes you more adaptable, more agile, more flexible.
Your threshold is due to a combination of your genetics, your current health, your current environment, the health of your childhood environment, the number of trauma adaptations you have, the amount of support you have, and so much more. There are many, many factors to consider. It’s most certainly not about weakness, though. It’s about systems that get overloaded due to factors that are very often outside of the system’s control.
Burnout myth #3: You can push through it.
Our world loves a good hero’s journey. We love stories of persistence and triumph. But burnout will only heal if you allow yourself time to PAUSE. Not everything, necessarily. But once your threshold has been crossed, you can’t reestablish it by just continuing on as if nothing happened. It doesn’t work for Ostriches and it won’t work for you. You’ve got to pause a bit to allow for repairs and replenishment and recovery.
When you’re burnt out and your brain has shrunk, the only way for it to regrow is to convince the nervous system to convince the brain that it’s no longer under attack and can rest and regenerate. To do that, you’ve got to eliminate some of the stressors on the nervous system. Figuring out which stressors to move away from is why you do things like listen to this podcast and hire a coach--like me.
Okay, so for those keeping score at home, that’s two causes so far: 1) not understanding or managing the stress response, and 2) believing unhelpful burnout myths.
Now for cause number 3: your early midlife quite simply can be a lot.
Your late 30s to early 50s are—in many ways—the least understood and, in some ways, the most critical phase of life. Think of this phase as more O’Hare than flyover country.
Midlife spans the largest age range, yet remains the “neglected middle child”...the Jan Brady of age groups.
We enter into middle age with very little fanfare...beyond that “over the hill” balloon and maybe a yard full of plastic flamingos.
And practically no notice...like, seriously, why aren’t people talking about perimenopause more? IT’S A THING.
That’s why I’m here (not perimenopause specifically, but the talking about part)...and why it’s important you get clear about what you’re likely to face.
While the midlife crisis is largely a myth, when people enter into midlife, they do often struggle with malaise.
Your malaise is typically triggered in one of two ways:
An external event or setback that happens during midlife and makes you take stock: divorce, job loss, death, or health care for self, loved one, or peer.
Or it wells up from within...you have a shift in values...you become introspective about inner turmoil...instead of looking outside yourself for meaning and satisfaction.
If you’re like most people, you’ve been chasing circumstantial comfort for years, which sounds like: “If only I could have a bigger home…” or “If only I could have a better body…” This approach has resulted in a mild to the severe state of perpetual suffering. And that’s why you’re here, listening to me.
While external setbacks such as losing your job may not always metastasize into an interior crisis, it often becomes entropy because you’ve made your achievements and possessions an extension of your identity. That's the way we’ve been culturally conditioned.
By many objective measures, our midlives have improved during the past 35 years...yet measures of subjective well-being suggest our happiness has declined due to larger socioeconomic and political forces at play in unprecedented ways:
Born into a bleak economy
Raised during a boom in crime/abuse/divorce
Started the job hunt in the early ‘90s recession, followed by a jobless recovery
Or entered the job market during the late ‘90s boom, only to crash in ‘01
Easy to get mortgages in the mid-2000s, except the bottom, fell out in 2008
Today, midlifers have more debt than any other generation--82% more than Boomers and $37,000 more than the national consumer average.
We also have less saved, and face a higher cost of living.
In fact, we’ve reached the end of the American dream of ever-increasing prosperity. We’re downwardly mobile.
For the first time in history, we won’t do better than our parents.
Not to pile on...oh gosh I’m piling on...but there are a few other factors to consider, too--let’s just rip off the band-aid:
You may have delayed marriage and having children into your 30/the 40s, which means you’re part of the sandwich generation of caregiving for aging parents and kids alike...while also being asked to lean into unremitting work demands.
So you’ve hit peak stress in both your career and caregiving during your forties, an age when most parents and grandparents were already empty nesters.
Add hormonal chaos and associated mood swings during perimenopause…
Possibly a distant marriage...
Plus, nonstop breaking news alerts, and social media curation...THIS IS A REAL THING, FOLKS.
Since birth, you’ve been told you could “have it all”...and, somewhere along the way, it became a mandatory social condition. Which presents two types of response:
The contrast between the “you can be anything” indoctrination and the stark realities you’ve encountered in midlife--when you might, despite your best efforts, not be able to find a partner or get pregnant or save for retirement or own your own home or find a job with benefits--has made you feel like a failure at the exact moment when you most require courage.
Or you’re living in a crucible of anxieties as you’re forced to make many of the toughest decisions of your life: give up on a business, switch your career, get married/divorced, have kids, caregiving, and have money for it all.
The research on the midlife malaise is quite interesting--we’re not calling it a crisis, my friends. Research that controlled for unemployment, health problems, divorce, and more shows the malaise is ubiquitous...across the world...and even among Great Apes. Yep, we’re still pretty much the monkeys we evolved from.
This persistent “Is this all there is?” ennui happens to us all, despite our achievements, though the depth of the Happiness “U-Curve” varies.
The low point in the U.S. is the mid-40s...and earlier for women than men.
As you’ve seen, being caught in the midlife trough is no small problem, and avoiding self-isolation, although no emotional panacea, can go a long way toward providing stability and support.
You’re wired, especially in early life, to want more, more, more, and to look up, up, up.
In youth, upward comparison gives you ambition as you make exciting plans, and optimism as you imagine your future accomplishments and satisfaction.
Two decades later, you keep looking upward on the achievement ladder but realize you’re running out of time to get there.
On the printed page, the idea of second acts and fresh starts in midlife sounds pretty glorious--but not so fast. In real life, nothing is harder than jumping out of the deep grooves you’ve carved by your forties.
Instead, you tell curated social stories about normalcy that are at odds with your reality.
When you do this, you manufacture dismay and shame...leaving you to your own devices during a perfectly normal transition.
This baits and sets the midlife trap.
But there is hope, my friend. I promise.
Today, I’ve shared three common factors that contribute to burnout. There are others, too, related to mindset, boundaries, and more that you can learn about and learn how to overcome inside the School of Midlife. For now, though, I hope you have a greater understanding and also see opportunities to intervene on your behalf. In the next two episodes, I’ll focus on mindset and boundaries. In the meantime, join the waitlist for the next enrollment of the School of Midlife, where I’ll help you go from burnt out to lit up. You can get on the list by going to meghankrause.com/schoolofmidlife.
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