#11: Time Management is a Waste of Your Time - Here’s What to Do Instead

During the last few weeks, our email, direct messages, and social media feeds have been full of messages saying: "I’m so tired.” “I’m exhausted." Collectively, we’ve hit a wall...THE wall. Everything just feels kind of hard...and crappy.

And this is okay. I’m not trying to overlay everything with toxic positivity here--because that’s a thing--there’s a thing for everything! We’re capable of holding space for this...for the complexities and difficulties we’re enduring.

We say that we’re "tired" or “exhausted” because we have no other, easy words to describe how we are. Struggling in a sea of sleepless nights, rising coronavirus cases, and the never-ending political circus, "tired" or “exhausted” are the words that come to mind. We might simply be too tired to even describe what we’re feeling!

But these words are insufficient...even minimizing. What we’re feeling right now is so much more.

Across the country, many of us lack child care, we’re worried about finances, and we miss our loved ones. We struggle with our productivity on the job--even if we’re fortunate to have one. And we have difficulty with sleep. But we’re also stressed in unique ways: how will we ensure our parents can get their vaccinations...how will we support our children in their distance learning...how will we support our employees, who seem to languish more with each passing day? How do we make choices about what is acceptable risk at home/school/work? I can tell you how NOT to make those choices: on Facebook because people you NEVER suspected are experts in...well, everything! Who knew!?

Without taking time to acknowledge ourselves in the equation, we don't even learn the words to say we’re pained, saddened, overburdened, or heartbroken. So we say "tired" or “exhausted” because we know what they mean. We use the words "tired" or "exhausted" because physical symptoms are a culturally acceptable answer in a world that still stigmatizes mental health difficulties.

What's more, we have little chance to recover, to recuperate, or to practice self-care...or perhaps, more aptly, self-preservation -- and little bandwidth to process or feel or acknowledge what it was like for us to experience what we’re going through.

Chance...bandwidth. These are just fancy words for time and energy. Our most precious commodities.

Recently, I conducted a survey asking about people’s experience in early 2021. And after folks were finished swearing (and, same, honestly) “New Year my [expletive],” I got some pretty interesting and telling responses. On one question, I asked people the barriers that exist to getting themselves the support they need. The two most prominent ones were time and energy. And, with all due respect to the many wonderful people who completed the survey, I’ve got an unpopular opinion to share:

STOP TRYING TO MANAGE YOUR TIME. IT’S ACTUALLY A WASTE OF YOUR TIME.

I’ll even go one step further--whew! This one’s sure to be unpopular: every time you say “I don’t have the time,” you’re avoiding responsibility.

Okay, walking back from the ledge here…

Look, I get it--the basic premise of time management seems fair. Arrange your schedule so you can effectively and efficiently reach your goals -- just like if you arrange your refrigerator so that the stuff you should eat is in the front where you can see it, you can eat how you want! The former might be as far-fetched as the latter. You might have even gotten a pretty new 2021 calendar or a fresh, new bullet journal to keep you on track. But it doesn’t matter how elegant your new planner is if you’re too fatigued to actually complete the tasks in your planner.

Instead of focusing on managing your time, focus on managing your energy.

With staggering consistency, people tell me it’s harder than ever to keep up and increasingly feel as though they’ve reached a breaking point. The fundamental problem with focusing on time management is that time is a finite resource. But energy? Well, that’s a whole different story.

Let’s dust off the ol’ physics book for a moment. Energy is the capacity to work...and we generate it from four main sources: our physical body, our emotions, our mind, and our spirit. In this context, you might equate spirit with sense of purpose. Energy can be systematically expanded and regularly renewed from each of these sources. Yep. When we can establish specific rituals or habits to restore our energy, we can transform our lives.

To recharge yourself, you need to recognize the costs of your energy-depleting behaviors and then take responsibility for changing them. Remember, though, you’ll want to be gentle with yourself as you’re doing it. It doesn’t help--quite the opposite, actually--when you’re a jerk to yourself about it all.

Let’s now do another installment of Midlife in Real Life, where I share client stories that resonate with the topic at hand. As always, I protect the real name and identity of my clients.

Recently, I helped a client better understand and manage their energy as a means to feeling more renewed at their job. We’ll call this client Terri. Terri was plugging along at work...a bit miffed that they had a bunch of slack to pick up after two colleagues were laid off at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. Terri noticed some personal patterns that told them they needed to rethink their approach to life...and especially to work: being more judgmental of others, even cynical at times; questioning how the department leaders had restructured things in light of quarantine; and basically numbing out on Netflix every weeknight as they wondered whether they were even competent at their job.

The rituals and behaviors Terri established to better manage their energy transformed their life. Terri set an earlier bedtime and gave up drinking, which had disrupted their sleep. As a result, when Terri woke up they felt more rested and more motivated to exercise, which they now do almost every morning. These are just a few of the small steps, but Terri and I continued working together for nearly 5 months and today Terri feels really great about their health (including adopting a plant-forward diet), relationships with family during an otherwise contentious time, and establishing rhythms in their day to make work more manageable and even satisfying.

I’ve shared just a bit of my work with Terri, but the approach I use builds on, deepens, and extends this important work...and gets spectacular results! And before you stick your big BUT in...yes, there is room to establish rituals even within what often feels like triage as we navigate daily life, work, and parenting during a pandemic.

So many of us are brought up in a system where we’re focused on developing our knowledge, honing our skills, and proving our competence. But seldom are we focused on building and sustaining our capacity--our energy.

What can you do to increase and regularly renew your capacity? There are several ways to gain more energy. Some of them will take time out of your schedule but the energy they give back will help you achieve more in the time you do have, and do so in a way that’s sustainable for the long term.

And, I mean, I get it: choosing to step away from what you're doing to practice self-supporting exercises seems like one of the last things on your "to do" list right now. But as you continue to deplete yourself of energy, it takes more effort to move forward...and even to just to be yourself.
Today, I’ll offer 4 simple, 1-minute techniques designed to support your emotions...because this is a big opportunity for so many during this time. Use these techniques whenever you feel anxious, stressed, uneasy, and find yourself overwhelmed and worrying about the now as the future. So I guess, constantly??

1. Right Here, Right Now

Say to yourself:

"Right here, right now, everything is okay."

Allow this phrase to ground you in the present moment...to reconnect and refocus. Okay is good. Okay is powerful in giving us pause that life doesn't need to be great or perfect. Being okay means we accept our circumstances and focus on how to build on the experience.

2. 60 Seconds, Just for Me

Relax into a chair and close your eyes

Breathe in and bring your awareness to your hands and your feet

As you exhale, imagine your body sinking into the chair as it releases the tension

Allowing your breath to refuel and release for the next 60 seconds

3. Resilience Affirmations

"I'm feeling more relaxed and dealing with things calmly and more effectively."

"I can ask for help or support."

4. 4-7-8 Breathing Exercise

Place tongue to the roof of your mouth

Inhale through your nose to a count of 4

Hold for a count of 7

Exhale through your mouth to a count of 8

Repeat 3 xs

Those are 4 simple but powerful 1-minute practices. You can do them any time, anywhere...and no one even needs to know you’re doing them. You’re doing it right now aren’t you?

To recap, yes, you’ve understandably hit a wall. I can appreciate it. I also know your answer isn’t in better time management. Doesn’t it feel liberating to free yourself from the shackles of a clock...for even just a moment? It sure does!

Suspend your relationship with time for just a moment to invite energy into the mix. Don’t worry--you’re not cheating here. It’s like Ross and Rachel on Friends--you were on a break!

When you can tune into your energy, you can create spectacular things for yourself.

Maybe I’m not such a jerk after all for critiquing the “I don’t have the time,” excuse, huh?