#10: Building Better Boundaries During Burnout

It’s time for a pop quiz. When you hear the word boundary, what comes to mind?

Are you thinking about how to say “no” to someone? That’s really about being assertive.
Are you creating language around when you’ll respond to emails? “Hi. Thanks for writing, I’ll respond to your message within 48 hours.” That’s about managing expectations.
Are you thinking about what you need to say to your family member, in terms of how they need to behave? That’s just 100% backward.

You know I’m all about a solid definition! A boundary is a decision you make for yourself--about what you’ll do if a certain behavior happens around you that you don’t want to be around.

This might look like a boundary about:

Not permitting guests to wear shoes in your home
Not allowing your stomach to be touched while pregnant
Not engaging in certain topics of conversation at the family dinner table. Including “is the electoral college outdated and why is the answer yes?”, “when are so and so going to start a family” and “should we BE at this dinner table or should this be a Zoom situation? I think we can all relate to this one on some level!

Most people think a boundary is created to keep us “safe” from other people and that it’s appropriate when someone else’s behavior gets “bad” enough.

But, folx, there’s a better way to understand this, one that centers YOUR needs. Because if you believe the other person’s behavior is wrong and shouldn’t be happening, then you’re going to be resistant to it and you’ll be fixated on wanting to change it. This means you’re mentally and emotionally focused on changing the other person, which is futile, rather than focusing on caring for yourself and taking whatever action you need to take...which is so important, especially if you’re burnt out!

When you’re trying to control someone else, it’s going to create a lot of mental and emotional weight. This other person and their behavior take up residence in your mind: why they’re doing it, what it means about them, what it means about you, whether they’ll stop doing it, whether they’re sorry, how you can get them to stop, etc. All of this creates an enormous amount of spin about the other person, and it produces cognitive dissonance and, often, paralysis instead of action.

Remember: a boundary is for you. It’s the action you’ll take if something happens that you’ve decided you don’t want to be around. Maybe it’s smoking, maybe it’s racist or sexist comments, maybe it’s being slugged in the face. It can be anything. Because it’s not determined by how bad behavior is. It’s determined by what you want to be around.

Whew. You can see how boundaries are one of the most important pieces of healing from burnout, right?

When it comes to setting effective boundaries, there are two types:

Those that exist outside of you...like no talking politics at the family dinner table.
And those that are internal...you know, the unspoken ones that you think you have with the world but, no one else knows them. Personal space, you love your people but you don’t need them diving in for the hug to prove it. Sure doesn’t seem like anyone got the memo! *Wait...did you send the memo?

When it comes to preventing and recovering from burnout, your most valuable boundaries to start with are your inner boundaries. Let’s use a college throwback example to illustrate what I mean…

Picture yourself in your off-campus house during college.

There’s a cute picket fence with a gate. That’s called curb appeal so your landlord could jack up the rent on a house that surely would’ve caused tetanus if not for staying current on your booster shot.
You and your housemates all made a pact to never lock the door because, hello, forgetting keys was a daily occurrence.
But you come home after a full day on campus to find your gate is unlocked, your front door is wide open, and your roommates’ boyfriend of the month is manspreading on your couch, with the TV at full blast, and he’s halfway through finishing off the tin of cookies Mom sent you because you were having a rough few weeks.

You had a pact with your roommates about leaving the gate and door unlocked but these antics from Brad were next level. And you are PISSED. How dare he?! Doesn’t he know this is your space? Uhhh...nope. Brad never was the brightest bulb. Cute and kind, maybe...definitely NOT bright. But, also, your inner boundaries were unclear...not just to Brad, but to you, too.

These invisible boundaries--these rules you decided were true for your life and therefore assumed they were true for everyone else--are wearing down your energy, creating resentment, and burning you up.

Let’s now move to external boundaries by focusing on everybody’s favorite topic: talking about politics and pandemics on Facebook.

Right now, in quarantimes, there’s A LOT of policing boundaries. You can’t go a day without a Karen or a Ken calling out someone’s choices and actions.

We all have all sorts of opinions about voting, mask-wearing, traveling, and almost every single topic you might think of--flashback to that dinner table!. We really are doing the very most when it comes to social policing. And when a pandemic hangs in the balance, I definitely get it. I’ve been guilty of this myself.

But it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong. Come to think of it, when you’re right, it breeds a sense of moral superiority and righteousness that comes back to bite you in the ass as far as burnout is concerned because you’re a perfectionist with everything, which means you tend to not forgive yourself when you’re not 100%. But that’s a separate topic you can learn about inside the School of Midlife.

If you’ve found yourself policing--like I’ve recognized within myself--know that your irritation, your righteousness, your resentment toward others comes with a heavy burden to carry and will add to your burnout because it puts you in a hypervigilant state of tracking other people’s mistakes.

Talk about exhausting! Here’s what’s really happening:

You’re neglecting your own energy. By trying to force your internal rules and boundaries onto other people, you put yourself in a constant state of judging and watching other people’s behavior--you’re a real-life “Ew, David” Schitt’s Creek GIF! This means you’re not paying attention to your own needs and wants. Over time, this turns into not even being aware of your wants and needs.
You’re inserting your energy into other people’s business...with judgment and a lack of trust. Rudeness and politeness are in the eye of the beholder...the rules we set for ourselves really are just arbitrary.
You’re disempowering other people...because you’re basically telling them you don’t trust them to assert their voice on their own behalf. And you know, they might be listening to Bullshift too...and have their boundary shift together!
You’re making assumptions about other people's needs and wants, providing solutions that you don’t even know they need! And I know you know what assumptions do...

Often, we’re taught these actions are about being nice and considerate, but it’s actually mean and selfish to think that you have the “right rules” for everyone to follow and that they’re all jerks if they don’t.

If you’d like to create boundaries that work, your first job is to get your energy back. So lock your gate and close your front door after you kick Brad out, maybe bleach your couch for germs, then sit down and ask yourself:

What do I want?
Who can I stop policing so I can restore my energy?
Where do I have big resentments to reveal that I’ve abandoned my own needs?
What rules do I believe in that I want everyone to follow?

4 little questions with big, important answers.

When we’re stuck in a mode of giving to the world around us, it’s hard to see what we receive. When we have a lot of relationships that have resentment in them, we’ve neglected ourselves and become frustrated that the “other person” isn’t playing by the, ahem, correct rules.

Look: Brad didn’t know, and he probably doesn’t think it takes gall to walk into your house when your gate is unlocked, your front door is wide open, and there’s a big tin of homemade chocolate chip cookies just sitting there. He thought he was invited!

Hopefully, this has helped you understand a bit more about boundaries: what they are, and why they’re important.

After the knowing, comes the doing. So how do you set them? How do you communicate with them? How do you boundary!?

When you’re really diving into this work, you’ll be tempted to set a lot of boundaries about things other people say or do that aren’t physically dangerous to you. It makes sense because you’re just learning how to manage your mind and your energy...and it all sounds so good and healthy.

Not so fast, though. You’ll first want to get clear about three things:

You’re coming from a place of love or acceptance for yourself and the other person;
You don’t believe that they’re not allowed to do what they’re doing and that they need to stop;
You know that enforcing the boundary means you’re committed and ready to do it for yourself and not against someone else.

Because if you don’t, then you’re trying to use your actions to punish or manipulate others and it’s just never going to feel good to you. And so you won’t be able to keep your boundary or you’ll want to change it if the boundary doesn’t work to make the other person change. Actually, this is how you’ll know if you’re ready to set a boundary and able to follow through.

Focus on the behavior you want to be around, instead of whether they’re a good person...or if they did something wrong...or if they’ll change. This immediately eliminates all of the confusion about what you’re to do.
If the unwanted behavior happens--regardless of why--you know what the consequence is for you...you know what you’ll do. This creates so much more clarity and aligned action for you.

Okay, so to quickly recap:

A boundary is a decision you make for yourself--about what you’ll do if a certain behavior happens around you that you don’t want to be around.
There are boundaries that exist outside of you, and there are your internal boundaries. When it comes to managing burnout, you want to focus on your internal boundaries.
An important goal with boundaries during a burnout is to restore your energy.
You need to clarify how you’re approaching and committing to your boundaries.

This all sounds great, doesn’t it? But actually applying it in your life is another matter, and even if it’s simple, doesn’t mean it’s not hard. If you want more insights and resources to build better boundaries, we’re doing this inside the School of Midlife. You’ll appreciate how simple and helpful the process can be. And, over time, you’ll find you need fewer and fewer boundaries about what other people say or do because you’ll feel freer than ever.