The Problem With All Those Intro/Extroversion Buzzfeed Quizzes

I’m sure I’m not the first person you’ve heard say that too many smart, driven 40-somethings lack personal satisfaction (cue the Rolling Stones). There’ve been a lot of think pieces over the years about midlife malaise—the overload, fear, and frustration.

And what are the solutions we’re usually offered?

Option #1: "You just gotta love yourself.” I've already talked about how ridiculous it is to even attempt this if we're never taught how.

Option #2: “Use your dissatisfaction as fuel to change this, that, or the other thing.” How can we expect anything good to come from constantly treating ourselves like we suck? Short answer: We can’t.

Option #3: “Wait it out because it gets better in our 50s.” An ENTIRE DECADE (or more) is a loooong time people! These are precious, wonderful years to waste waiting.

So how, exactly, are we actually supposed to gain more life satisfaction (especially if it doesn’t come from Cole Haan)? It’s the part that every article and Facebook post leaves out.

I've already shared one secret: “neutral thoughts.” For example, if you doubt your intellect to do your job well, it doesn’t help to jump to telling yourself, “I’m brilliant and guaranteed to succeed.” This type of affirmation is problematic because it's not believable, and so you feel even worse. If you worry about failing at work, you might start by practicing the thought, “I’ve gotten positive feedback about my work before.”

I've also shared the power of mindfulness (e.g., the lovingkindness meditation script I provided a few weeks back). This practice helps you become more present to "what is" in a given moment...and less present to judgment and criticism of yourself.

Another key is to see life for what it is and change your perspective on the story. We're culturally enamored with the power of story (and for good reason), but seeing yourself as a story keeps you trapped in a cycle of finding “proof” for your self-image and strengthening it, regardless of whether your interpretations are true, partially true, or even untrue.

For decades, you've been fed a narrative about yourself from family and peers, from formal schooling, and from the media. (All those click-baity Buzzfeed quizzes about your Enneagram Type, your MBTI profile, and your level of intro/extroversion simply reinforce your limited self-image. Jerks!)

The extent to which you identify with your self-image influences how you relate to yourself, others, and life events (e.g., cognitive biases, need for affirmation, social comparison). But when you can embrace an alternative view on yourself--"self as process"--you're no longer participating in the ongoing stream of limited perspective. That's some sweet freedom! You can both notice and experience what's happening moment by moment, and then choose to break the negative patterns that have plagued you.

The neutral thoughts/mindfulness/"Self-as-Process" combo platter is what all those articles and think pieces leave out. Which is a darn shame 'cuz they're the foundations to a more satisfying 40-something life.