#29: On Your Potential Legacy

We’re kicking this episode off with something a bit morose. Take a moment to fast forward to just beyond the end of your life.

Even though you’ve passed away, let’s imagine you get to witness a very special occasion: your own memorial service. But this service is different in a couple ways (aside from the most obvious – that you’re able to witness it):

First: all of your loved ones and meaningful connections are there, even those who went before you – family members such as parents and grandparents; friends from childhood through now; coworkers from all your professional endeavors; mentors and mentees; classmates, neighbors, teammates, local merchants – basically, anyone whose life was touched by yours.
Second: Everyone there has been summoned to tell their absolute truth about you. That’s not to say that people at non-imaginary funerals don’t tell the truth...but let’s face it: there are a LOT of rose-colored glasses at such occasions. They tend to gloss over the questionable stuff, like that time you ganged up with others to mercilessly tease Annie, your 3rd-grade classmate. Plus, it’s not like your haters are going to attend your funeral.

In the case of this special service that you get to witness, even those who weren’t your biggest fan will be there and--gulp!--be invited to speak. Everyone is gathered to express, with New Yorker-level frankness, what impact your life had on theirs; what happened to them because of you.

As the attendees reflect, one by one, it becomes clear to you that, despite the fact you’re no longer physically present, you endure in their lives in a quite tangible way.

This is your legacy. Yep, Legacy ain’t just a bar in Lafayette, Indiana.

Let’s talk about your legacy...about the trace you leave. Every life leaves a trace, a trace that may exist for generations...especially if you don’t recycle or carry out everything you bring when camping. (You know, the whole “take only memories, leave only footprints” bit). Shout out to the beautiful Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness. Your legacy is the sum total of the impact your life made on the lives of others – and, in many ways, the trace that their life makes on others. It’s epigenetics, after all!

So at your big send-up, you decide that you really want to understand your impact. You listen very carefully to what each person at your funeral says about you. (Remember: you’re dead...what else do you have to do?)

And so you listen, and maybe cringe, as your mother and father describe what happened to each of them because of you. What was the net effect of your life on theirs? I still recall the time I was the worst daughter ever toward my mom while biking on the Aran Islands off the coast of Galway, as we raced our bikes to catch the ferry. Which we missed, by the way. I know I’m not the only one with a shutter-worthy memory like this, right?

Next to speak is your partner, spouse or significant other. Maybe even your ex? If you have one. What was your impact on and contribution to that relationship? Did he or she or they feel truly loved and valued? Did he or she or they get your best energy when you came home at the end of the day, and your full attention when you were together? How did your attitude, mannerisms, and habits shape their other relationships?

If you have children, what is each child saying as they describe how your influence exists in them, for better or worse? What are they saying about how your life influenced who they are now and what they’ve become? Are they expressing the belief they’re better human beings because of you? What part of your legacy’s affect on them are you not proud of? Makes you wince? Makes you sad? Makes you smile or tear up with joy or burst with pride? I don’t have children but I’m an auntie who thinks about my own blunders around my nieces and nephews. Like that time I introduced my niece to a cashew milk latte and her throat started to close up because have an unknown allergy. Uh...whoops.

Next up: your friends. What do they begin with? Were you always there for them? Did you show compassion for them, and step up and lend a hand when life turned against them? Did you do that all the time or only some of the time? Did you do it only when it was convenient for you or always when it mattered to them? Were you loyal? As they talk, what are the traits that they share that seem to repeat, from one friend to the next to the next? Are the memories they share ones you would have guessed?

Last to speak are all those associated with your life at work. It's a big lineup. Bosses, clients, direct reports, co-workers, assistants, support staff. Even valets, janitors and security will be asked to remember. We’ve all seen those memes referencing the unbreakable bond between coworkers as they spend so much of their lives together. This is the area where 58-year-old execs have functional and frequent interaction with 19-year-old interns. Each work life-related person will describe your effect on them individually, how you treated them in good times and bad, even when you were stressed, tired or unhappy. Listen as they speak about your respectfulness, your kindness, your generosity. What does each have to say about your integrity, your honesty, your trustworthiness? How often do they comment on your humility, your moral courage, your empathy?

It’s interesting, isn’t it, that as all these people describe your legacy, not a single one, from any part of your life, spends significant time referencing your intelligence, titles, competence, wealth, power, achievements, academic credentials, celebrity, waistline, or loose skin on your jawline and neck. A recent acquisition of mine.

From all they say, it’s clear that what mattered most was simply your treatment of them, and your treatment of those who mattered to them. For each person whose life you touched, your legacy was not about your money but your kindness; not about your prominence or even fame but your integrity; not about your intelligence but your caring and respect.

That simple, undeniable, profound truth can be so hard to hear. It’s easy to get hooked by the shiny objects that show well on social media, for example. In contrast, building your character is exceptionally important in our complicated and harsh world. It literally provides protection against regular and formidable onslaughts...the oh-so-many we’ve seen this past year. At age 8, I remember whining about having to load cobblestones from a torn up street into the back of our pickup truck to then use them to build a patio at home. Like so many other times, when I complained, my parents’ response was always, “it builds character.” They weren’t wrong.

After reflecting on all the feedback you may have received from individuals in every dimension of your life, how do you rate yourself on your character?

More than 30 years of research reveals some fundamental truths about character:

Most of us have very little idea just how much the moral grounding of our judgments and decision-making is often contaminated, hijacked, or corrupted...often all three.
You’re the sum total of the countless moral choices you make every day.
Your character is basically your ability to make sound judgments and follow through on them, time and again. It’s curious, then, how little we see this in corporate governance at the highest level. Wells Fargo, anyone?
Character is not static but a muscle that can – and ought to – be continually strengthened and reinforced. When you invest time and energy in developing your character, you create a meaningful legacy.

If you’re wanting to strengthen your character muscle through your professional contribution to the world, head on to meghankrause.com.