#28: How to Know What You Want
“Can’t we just ease back into society? And why, after more than a year of grinding at home, is my employer now deciding to limit remote work? What a jerk.”
Does this sound like you?
You’re probably having lots of thoughts and feelings about your current situation and whether you actually wanna spend time with Michelle and Tina again.
Life’s going to march on, whether you’re in an opt-out summer or not. And, look, this is a mostly judgment-free zone--though if you’re trying to bring back low-rise jeans from the early aughts then I will absolutely judge you.
This summer’s also an opportunity to reflect on how you want to show up...on the life you want to create for yourself--now and as the world continues to open up. And, okay, this is always true. It was true in the pandemic. It’s true in the purgatory we’re currently experiencing. And it’ll be true in the fall, as well, when highways once again grind to a halt in rush hour gridlock.
So in this article, we’re going to explore something that comes up all the time in my coaching sessions around purpose...and that I bet you’re considering for yourself...and that is, “How can you know what you really want?”
How can you know what you really want? This is the burning question of today...of entire decades of midlife, frankly.
And the knowing, or not knowing, exists on many levels and scales. It’s not always the existential questions...it can be about smaller things like “What do you want to do for dinner tonight?” Which definitely got harder to answer during the span of lockdown, am I right?
Invariably, this question comes up when I dive into mindset work with clients...when I teach them the Bullshift Self-Coaching Method. And it’s because they’re really starting to tune into just how much of their lives they’ve carried out under the guise of “shoulding” all over themselves. Like there’s a little voice on their shoulder nagging them. And this is true for most anyone. Show me someone who has never experienced that “shoulding” in their youth and I’ll show you a goddamn unicorn.
So once they start self-coaching and doing the thought work, they begin to grapple with questions like, “Huh...What do I actually want for myself in this moment?” And when I pose the question, “Well, Kate: what do you want to do?”--and, again, it could be about dating someone, making the choice whether to have kids, or leaving their established career for something more fulfilling--they struggle to answer because they’ve operated within the paradigm of “have to” and “should” for so long. And, usually, it’s a decision based on them trying to control the perceptions of others.
And, of course, because they’re really starting to see just how optional their thoughts are, it’s a bit of a mind game. Or a philosophical discussion, at the very least. They tend to overthink with thoughts of, “So if my thoughts are optional, how could I truly know what I really want?”
So let’s dive into this a bit more.
If you’re not doing self-coaching or thought work, you’ll enter into a situation where you’re often seeking pleasure or avoiding pain. It’s a primitive dynamic that plays out in all sorts of ways, like wanting a DQ blizzard when you’ve just driven 60 miles in a car with no AC on a 90-degree day. Or finally earning that Ph.D. in quantum physics. We’re so used to defining what we want by thinking about things we want so we can feel differently, whether it’s the cool, sweet taste of DQ ice cream on our tongue...or the quick hit of self-esteem from nabbing that diploma for all our friends to see. This sounds like, “I’ll be happy when…” And it doesn’t matter what the end goal is--our approach to motivation is predictable. Sometimes we just want physical pleasure, sometimes it’s a set of feelings that we want. And we think we need the thing...the circumstance to have those feelings.
But when you use the S.H.I.F.T. model, you see that often you take action to change your feelings or to attempt to control what others think or feel about you...which is also actually about how you feel...because of your thoughts about what they think or feel.
Because you see this everywhere...from what outfit you wear to what hairstyle you get...from volunteering at your kids’ school to joining the board of a nonprofit. Whether you do the thing or think about doing the thing, there’s much to be made of the imaginary thoughts and feelings as the impetus for your actions or inactions.
So now you’ve got this recognition of: You’re doing something because you think you should...Or you’re doing something to try to control someone else’s feelings...like you’re going to go to a summer cookout that you don’t want to go to but you do so anyway because you don’t want the other person to think you’re rude.” This is peak Minnesota behavior, by the way. Or you’re trying to avoid a negative feeling like guilt or shame, so you are saying no to dessert because you don’t want to feel badly about yourself later if you eat it.
So you’ve got this realization...now what? How do you determine what you actually want?
Well...one approach is to consider what you’d do in the absence of obligation or guilt...or shame...or insecurity. For example, let’s say you went to law school because your parents wanted you to.
You’re not really into being a lawyer but you don’t really know what you want to do. You just know it’s not practicing law because that was never even your ambition. It hadn’t even occurred to you until someone brought it up.
When you can lean into your imagination, and into creating moments of awe, you can get outside of the shame, the guilt, the control, the obligation to get present to what is. So a shorthand way of accessing this is to ask yourself the following question, “If you were going to feel the same, whether you did the thing or not, would you do it?” If you could feel good about yourself whether you went to law school or not, whether you got married or not, whether you had kids or not...whatever it is, if you didn’t care what other people thought of your choice, would you still do it?
That’s one way to tell if you actually want to do something.
But if you’re doing thought work and self-coaching, you might say, “Okay, Meghan...but it’s still just a thought. Just a sentence in my mind.”
The question is whether you organically had the thought. Yes, you could decide to practice that thought on purpose...and whether you have it organically or want to cultivate it, either one is an equally valid and good enough reason. It doesn’t have to be deeper than this. Your desires matter. FULL STOP.
So often you’re seeking some sort of big justification...but you don’t need one. You’ll want to question your thoughts, especially if you’re a woman because that’s a big way in which women are socialized...but you don’t need a bigger justification.
Now, if this sounds too simplistic, ask yourself why. What have you been socialized to believe? What compensatory behaviors have you been conditioned to do?
Most of the time, people actually know what they want...they’ve just distanced themselves from it.
The most common mistake--and I’ll use mistake here, even though it’s a word I don’t often think applies to most situations...but it does here. The most common mistake people engage in is telling yourself that you don’t know what you want.
As I always say, “We need to talk to ourselves more than we listen to ourselves.”
Subconsciously, this has important implications. So I just want to get bossy here for a moment to say stop saying this to yourself and say something instead such as, “I’m currently figuring out what I want.”
When you consider your vision for your life, it’s easy to lie to yourself. Far easier to lie to yourself about your vision than about wanting that entire charcuterie board. Regardless of whether you eat it, you know you want it. But the bigger stuff? The relationships, the career...your calling...these are the big things you lie about.
Maybe you lie because you don’t think you deserve it...you’re still judging yourself for even wanting it in the first place. This goes back to that whole myth about justifying what you want.
Or maybe you don’t think it’s possible to have. “Be sensible. Be reasonable. Is now really the best time?” We’ve absorbed so many messages of doubt from society and our loved ones. And while some of it is well meaning, most of it is a crappy byproduct of their own fears and stories.
Other times you’re just plain scared to actually dream big, which might sound like, “I’m confused” or “I don’t know what I want.” To which I say, bullshit. You know. Just stop drowning out your voice so you can start listening to it.
And, by the way, this is a practice. It’s a skill. Learning to observe what your bodymind is telling you is so powerful. And, chances are, you’ve got a lot of thoughts to clear out before you can tune into what you want.
This is the work. And it’s so fun to help others access these skills. Because, as I like to say, “Your bullshit can be your bullshift.” So stop saying you don’t know. And get curious about what you’re tuning into and beginning to understand.
Go ahead and ask yourself, “What would I do if I knew I could succeed? What would I do if no one else would ever know about it and have any thoughts about it? What would I do if I already accepted myself unconditionally?”
And, by the way...you may not even be ready to go after what you really want yet. If this is the case, then choose something small that you can tell yourself the truth about wanting. Maybe it’s writing your first blog post. Or asking that person on a date. Regardless, take small steps to build momentum. Every single day. When you do this, you’ll be able to see your life evolve in major ways.
And, seriously, this is needed now more than ever. You’re done wasting time, pretending you don’t know. You’ve made it through a freakin’ pandemic. Life’s always going to be unpredictable, so what’s the life you wish to create? How do you want to show up?
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