5 Signs of Anticipatory Grief + 5 Coping Methods
(& SPECIAL NEW RESOURCES!)
Lying eyes wide open in the dark, images flashed of a very close loved one in the ICU with COVID and pneumonia. (I’m grateful they’re now recovering.)
At the time, I struggled to sleep…to keep the Facebook political kerfuffles to a minimum…and to muster enthusiasm to dance to my all-time favorite song—“September” by Earth Wind & Fire—on its famed day. Fast forward a few weeks and I’m feeling more restored (and am choosing joyful movement once again).
Many of us might think of “grief” as being a response to losing someone we love, but grief is actually a much more complex phenomenon. Grappling with any kind of loss can involve a grief process, even if that loss isn’t exactly tangible.
And, whoa! There’s a lot to be grieving right now: the wildfires on the west coast, the verdict around Breonna Taylor's death, the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and the lives lost to COVID.
There’s also a collective loss of connection, routine, and certainty about the future (perhaps even jobs). You know that lingering sense of, "What fresh new hell is coming this week?" This fearful anticipation is called “anticipatory grief” and, well, it can be a doozy.
Mourning can occur even when we sense a loss is going to happen, but we don’t know exactly what it is yet (like the collagen in my neck!). We know the world around us will never be the same — but what exactly we’ve lost and will lose is still largely unknown to us. This can be...difficult.
In this spirit, I'd love to support you as best I can and am offering a suite of resources to help you. (If you've been here a while, you'll want to check out my new shop!)
In the meantime, if you’re wondering whether you might be experiencing this ambiguous kind of grief, here are some signs to look for, as well as some coping skills you can tap into at this time:
1. You’re on edge — and it’s not always clear exactly why
Maybe you’re feeling a sense of dread as you “wait for the other shoe to drop." Or you're hypervigilant: on alert whenever someone coughs or sneezes nearby, agitated with a stranger who isn’t properly social distancing, or panic when the phone rings. This can also manifest as persistent anxiety and feeling overwhelmed, like “freezing up” when faced with decision making or planning, or procrastinating more often to avoid complex tasks. If you’re anticipating danger or doom, it makes sense that staying emotionally regulated would be more challenging right now. To help, I suggest my "Chill AF" Anxiety Management Training.
2. You feel angry at things you can’t control
Finding yourself easily and persistently frustrated is a very common manifestation of grief. For example, working from home once felt like a luxury, and now it can feel like punishment. Irate with the local grocer who's out of your preferred brand of kombucha? If small obstacles suddenly feel intolerable, you’re not alone. These obstacles often serve as unconscious reminders that things aren’t the same — triggering grief and a sense of loss, even when we aren’t aware of it. Remember: be gentle with yourself. This is a completely normal reaction during a time of collective trauma. To help, I suggest my "Holy Shift, I Need Help" EFT Guide and Scripts.
3. You’re resigned to the worst case scenario
One way people cope with anticipatory grief is to try to mentally and emotionally “prepare” for the worst case scenario (thinking we'll minimize the shock and pain). But it’s a trap. Ruminating about morbid scenarios, feeling hopeless as things unfold, or anxiously spinning out about everything that could go wrong won’t actually keep you safe — instead, it will just keep you emotionally activated...and do a number on your immune system. Preparedness is important, but if you find yourself apocalyptic and catastrophizing, you may be doing more harm than good. To help, I suggest my "Bullshift Self-Coaching Method."
4. You find yourself withdrawing or avoidant of others
When we feel overwhelmed, fearful, and triggered, it makes sense that we might withdraw from others. If we can barely keep ourselves afloat, avoiding other people can feel like we’re protecting ourselves from their stress and anxiety. This can backfire, though. Isolation can actually increase feelings of depression and anxiety.
To stay connected to others, we must set healthy boundaries for what kinds of support we can offer. Examples include:
I’ve been having a really hard time with this COVID-19 stuff. Can we keep the conversation light today?
I don’t think I can talk about this right now. Is there something we can do to distract ourselves right now?
I don’t have a lot of capacity to support you right now, but I’ll email you some links later on that I think could be useful if you’d like that.
5. You’re completely exhausted
A lot of what we’re talking about with anticipatory grief is really just our body’s trauma response...namely, being in “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode. When we feel threatened, our bodies react by flooding us with stress hormones and amping us up, just in case we need to react quickly to a threat.
One of the side effects of this, though, is that we end up feeling worn down. Being so activated on a daily basis can really tire us out, making exhaustion a pretty universal grief experience. This can be particularly difficult at a time when so many people are talking about how productive they’ve been while self-isolating. It can feel pretty lousy to hear about others starting new hobbies or projects while we can barely get out of bed. You’re far from alone in your pandemic-induced exhaustion. And if all you can do right now is keep yourself safe, then that’s more than enough. While you're in the bunker, you might enjoy my "Bullshifting 101 Recommended Reading Guide."
Now onto the coping skills...
If you’re feeling anticipatory grief, here are several ways to cope:
Validate and affirm your feelings. Embrace the range of emotions you’re having. Everyone will experience grief differently, and none of the feelings you’re having are unreasonable during such a difficult time. Be kind to yourself.
Bring it back to basics. Eat, move, sleep…and hydrate! When our anxiety is so activated, it’s critical to try to deescalate our bodies and brains and to give them the support of lifestyle medicine.
Connect with others, even when you don’t want to. It can be tempting to shut everyone out when you’re overwhelmed and activated. Please resist the urge! Human connection is a critical part of our well-being, especially now.
Express yourself. Creative outlets are especially helpful right now. Try journaling, dancing, collaging — whatever helps you to process what’s happening for you emotionally.
Talk to a professional. Online therapy is a blessing. If you can access it, therapists are a vital resource for moving through grief and anxiety at this time.
Remember, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling right now. So many of us are experiencing a grief process around this time of rapid change and collective fearfulness. You’re worthy of support, and the struggles you’re having are completely understandable, especially given everything that’s shifting around us.
Also, be gentle with yourself. If you need more support, please check out my resources...or reach out directly. We may be self-isolating and even lonely in the weeks to come, but none of us have to be alone right now.
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