3 Powerful Questions to Ask When You're Feeling Powerless

A GOOD QUESTION SHAPES OUR IDENTITY--NOT JUST IN HOW WE ANSWER IT...BUT ALSO IN HOW WE ASK IT.

A good question has to do with the person we’re about to become...and, like your college party antics of yore, these conversations will happen with or without your conscious participation. ;)

They almost always have something to do with how we might be more generous, more courageous, more present, more dedicated...more, more, more...but in all the good ways (except they’re not slathered in cheese).

They’re also about timing: when we step through the doorway into something bigger, better—both beyond ourselves and yet more of ourselves at the same time. It's how I imagine I'll feel when I finally visit Dollywood.

If we’re sincere in asking, the eventual answer will give us both a sense of coming home to something we already know, as well a sense of surprise. Sort of like watching the movie Sideways for the 4th time and discovering new layers of subtext.

Here are 3 thought-provoking questions (an adaptation of poet David Whyte's work) to be asking ourselves—even (especially?) now...and whenever we least want to confront our own answers:

1) What can I be wholehearted about?

If you’ve found yourself exhausted, stressed and maybe even burned out, remember: the antidote to exhaustion isn’t necessarily rest. It’s wholeheartedness. You're so exhausted because you can't be wholehearted at what you're doing...because your real conversation with life is through [FILL IN YOUR BLANK, my friend].

What do you care most about—in your vocation...your relationships...in your heart and mind?

This is a conversation we gotta have with ourselves...regularly...and throughout our lives. It’s a conversation that we so often don't want to have...and will do the most to avoid having (ahem, Instagram scrolling). We say we’ll get to it when the kids are grown...when there’s enough money in the bank...when we’re retired (perhaps when we’re dead; it will be easier then, no?). Yes, there’s a lot of chaos in the world, which might make it easier to put off. I contend this question has never been more important to ask than right now: What can I be wholehearted about (right now)?

2) What am I harvesting from this year's season of life?

You’ve likely heard the phrase, “Youth is wasted on the young.” Plot twist: Midlife is wasted on those in their 40s. Most of us are living 4 or 5 years behind the curve of our own transformation. I see it all the time--in my clients, loved ones...even in my own life.

We’re tempted to stay in places where we were previously comfortable, making it difficult to move to the frontier that we're actually on now. (Welcome!) People usually only come to this frontier when they’ve had a terrible loss in their life or they've been fired or some other trauma breaks open their story. And they can't tell that story any more. But having spent so much time away from what’s real, they hit the present reality with such impact that they break apart on contact with the true circumstance.

The trick is to catch up with the conversation and stay with it —asking "Where am I now?"—and not let ourselves become abstracted from what’s actually occurring around us. If you were a farmer and you tried to harvest what belonged to the previous season, you'd exhaust yourself trying to bring it in when it's no longer there. Or attempt to gather fruit too early, too hard, or too late and too ripe. (Are my farm kid roots showing here or what?)

We must allow/be with/understand the conversation happening around us as early in the process as possible and then stay with it until it bears fruit for us. Easier said than done, I realize.

3) How can I drink from the deep well of things as they are?

All this talk of Four Seasons Landscaping (hehehe...if you know, you know) had me thinking about my favorite landscape technique: the water feature. I love a good waterfall and pond--so serene to the eyes and ears. Then I got to thinking about the depth of uncertainty, anxiety, and burnout people might be feeling right now. Which led me to thinking about wells. (Are you enjoying this stream of consciousness play-by-play?)

To me, a well is a place where the water springs eternal--an often sacred place to stop and think. Almost always, when I'm struggling with a particular situation, I realize that I’m only looking at the surface of the problem and refusing to go for the deeper dynamic that caused the tension in the first place. All intimate relationships—close friendships, great loved ones—are based on continued and mutual forgiveness. We so often act the worst toward those we love the most, don’t we? The question is, “Will you forgive the other person?” And more importantly, “Will you forgive yourself?”

We must deepen our understanding, make ourselves more equal to circumstances, more at ease with what we’ve been given or not given. We must drink from the deep well of things as they are.