TSL #003: Separating Your Identity From Your Work

Read time: 2 minutes 45 seconds

I recently listened to “Tina,” a highly accomplished friend of mine struggle with her sense of self outside of work. In addition to being a cultural influencer through her very cool job that has national reach, Tina's a wife, a mom, and an artist.

Tina's contemplating retirement at an early age that sounds unfathomable to most. And while she has ideas for what she'd do after her stellar corporate career, she's grappling with the recognition that her sense of self has been inextricably linked to her professional contributions. Who is Tina when she's no longer in her carefully curated career?

Questions of work and worth abound for so many of us.

Just this week, I asked my coaching client "Beth" about her personal health commitments three times…and each time she defaulted to work, without ever contemplating her personal needs. I shared this observation with her. Beth didn't even realize she was doing it…but she also didn't see a way forward to focus more on herself, so she tended to ignore her own needs.

Does Tina's or Beth's scenario sound familiar? Here are four signs that indicate your career is compromising your self-worth:

Criticism of your work is often internalized as a criticism of you as a person. If you find yourself constantly struggling to take in feedback as constructive and instead feel demoralized and dispirited you may be placing too much of your self-worth in your performance.
While work might only be part of your identity, you primarily present yourself through your work self and title. For example, when meeting new people you primarily talk about work and your responsibilities as a way to introduce yourself, during free time your thoughts are consumed with work situations, and all activities become secondary to your work life.
You find it hard to unplug and are constantly thinking about or checking in on work. Mentally, you are always at work, as you notice rituals like checking your work laptop each night before bed, or monitoring your phone for Slack or email updates.
Your relationships are distant, rocky, or tense. You either project your work stress onto your relationships or you are neglecting important people in your life to focus on work.

WHAT TO DO

Outside of coaching with me, what are some things you can do to regularly develop or boost your self-worth outside the workplace?

Do things you enjoy, are good at, and build a sense of mastery—outside of work. These moments will provide positive reinforcement, and remind you of your strengths and talents beyond your work identity.
Exercise and challenge yourself each day. Inducing moderate strain on your body and working toward increasingly advanced goals provides a tangible way to prove to yourself that you're capable of more than you thought. When you engage in the strain/recover cycle that accompanies exercise, you also recalibrate your mindset to be more supportive.
Challenge negative thoughts. Thoughts aren't facts. Most of the time, they're distortions. (Thanks to our internalized critics, stress, and situational demands.) Next time you have a negative thought, ask yourself, “What's a more helpful and credible thought I could choose to practice?"