Isolation, Neck Wattles, and Virtual Cookbook Clubs
"I wish you could speak, Grandma" said my sister.
"I...can't...help...it" my grandma labored to respond (this past weekend).
Two weeks ago, my grandma fell. Thinking she had a brain bleed, I rushed to say "goodbye" in person and was shocked to see her in a seemingly catatonic state. The next day, I cried for the first time as I thought about my 97-year-old grandma's end of life--a dementia-addled journey three years in the making.
97 years is a long time...and for 94 of them, Grandma was full of spirit...so much that my many Facebook updates of her quips and quirks have granted her near celebrity status among friends. "How's Fern Ratigan?" they'll ask...in part because they like saying her unique name, and in part because they genuinely care about this plucky woman they've gotten to know through my stories.
Now that my grandma is nearly speechless, I feel sad about our inability to connect in the usual ways. Learning this past weekend that she understands everything we're saying but can't contribute to our conversation is heartbreaking. How isolated must she be feeling?
Naturally, this all makes me think about connection, which can mean a lot of different things right now.
90 days into quarantine, those Zoom happy hours don't have the zing they once offered. So what can we do to foster connection?
As always, here at the School of Midlife, we like to look to the research. A recent study discovered that there are a surprisingly broad range of ways to fulfill our need for connection and belonging — and many of them don’t seem social on the face of it (nor do they force you to look at your neck wattle on camera for extended periods of time). These strategies range from following celebrities on social media (shout out to Roxane Gay on Twitter) to engaging with reminders of loved ones, like old photographs or letters (or my now-famous "Fern Ratigan is Da Bomb" stories on Facebook that people literally ask me to share on a near weekly basis).
According to researchers, such activities reinforce symbolic social bonds, which can fulfill social needs in similar ways to more traditional forms of connection. They're also a legitimate, valuable buffer against loneliness and isolation!
In this spirit, here's a short list of activities (I tend to avoid Pinterest so it's a very short list) to inspire you to foster connection:
Participate in a virtual cookbook club where members cook the same recipe and share their results with each other afterwards (#iprobablyburnedit)
Spend time scrapbooking, collecting your photos into memory albums (I've got supplies from my college years that still need to be put in a scrapbook, if you're feeling ambitious and generous ;) )
Turn that dead tree in your front lawn into a Peanuts-themed cartoon carving (my neighbor actually did this and it's incredible)
Think of your feeling connected like a gas tank, with different activities filling up your tank on a regular basis. Before COVID-19, your tank might’ve been full with workplace interactions and weekly brunch with friends. Instead of trying to replace those lost interactions with half-hearted facsimiles, a different palette of activities could be more fulfilling.
Explore what works for you and yours and let me know the creative ways you’re filling up your connectivity gas tank.
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