#13: How to Be Good in Bed
In this article, I’ll share:
The three most common sleep mistakes
What “normal” sleep is
One evidence-based strategy for dealing with insomnia...this supports people experiencing chronic insomnia, too
This is packed with value if you...
Are currently are troubled by problems falling, staying asleep, or waking too early
Have fitful, non-restorative sleep
Know someone who has these problems
Have had problems like these in the past and want to be prepared should they recur
Are generally interested in sleep
Let me start with a quick disclaimer, I grew up on a farm…and would rise with the literal rooster. And in college, I would start my day with Katie Couric and the TODAY Show at 7:00 a.m. How many college kids do you know who wake up to get ready for the day at 7:00?
As the years have gone on, my body continues to want to go to bed earlier and earlier, and wake earlier and earlier. In recent months, I’ve been struggling because I’ll consistently wake up between 4:00 and 5:00 most mornings. And while this is good news for my dad who’s been known to call me during the 6:00 o’clock hour, falling asleep by 8:30 p.m. and waking up at 4:15 each morning is not something that interests me. Even during quarantine.
So you can imagine my delight when I connected with Dr. Jim Davig, a nationally recognized sleep psychologist with whom I have the privilege of working with in a major healthcare system in Minnesota. After my first meeting with him, which wasn’t even a personal consult—it was for business—I learned so much valuable information that I wanted to share with anyone who’d listen. But since it’s strange to yell out my car window about sleep, I’m SO glad to have this podcast.
Sleep problems are a common theme in my work with midlifers. Even though I work with my clients on many different aspects of their life—from health and quality of life to career and connection with loved ones—sleep is so fundamental to them all. And it remains a painful struggle for so many.
Also, a lot of what Dr. Jim had to say aligned with my training and work--I’m national board certified in both lifestyle medicine and wellbeing coaching. A big part of my work with clients is in thought work—becoming aware of and changing our thoughts. And this is also true with sleep. So today, I want to share a bit more about this aspect to getting better sleep. Because while we hear a lot about sleep hygiene and essential oils, if you’re experiencing insomnia, there might be other tools you need.
I’ll also note upfront that what you’re learning today is part of a powerful workshop I host with Dr. Jim called, “Good in Bed” that you can get on-demand in my shop by going to shop.meghankrause.com. It’s jam-packed with value for anyone experiencing insomnia. It features 6 evidence-based strategies and is available for just $27...that’s less than one new release Disney movie! I also provide an interactive playbook to accompany your experience.
This workshop is for anyone who’s
Currently troubled by problems falling, staying asleep, or waking too early
Experiencing fitful, non-restorative sleep
Had problems like these in the past and wants to be prepared should they recur
Just generally interested in sleep
Really...Dr. Jim is amazing!
Okay, so let’s first discuss the three most common sleep mistakes...
1. Spending too much time awake in bed.
What it looks like: Over time, people start going to bed earlier, getting out later, and staying in the bed when unable to sleep. All in pursuit of getting more sleep.
Why people make this mistake: They incorrectly believe that if they have insomnia, they need to spend more time in bed in order to get more sleep. Makes sense, but that isn’t how sleep works; instead, they significantly increase their amount of time bed, but with very little increased actual sleep.
The cost of this mistake: Sleep efficiency--or the percent of time sleeping during the night--decreases, which causes a decreased quality of sleep; increased time spent awake leads to increased time feeling frustrated in the bed. This frustration causes increased arousal which keeps you awake. It’s the definition of a vicious cycle.
Commonly reported benefits of changing this:
Greatly shortened time to first fall asleep.
Decreased number of awakenings; shortened time to fall back to sleep.
Longer segments of uninterrupted sleep.
Increased amount of REM sleep.
Decreased frustration caused by laying awake in bed “trying to sleep,” but failing.
Decreased anxiety anticipating/worrying about how tonight will go.
Increased time for things you enjoy or value; increased productivity at home.
2. Doing too many wrong things in the bed.
What it looks like: Reading, Facebook, texting, watching TV/streaming, listening to podcasts/music, snacking, homework, work, long periods of “pillow talk,” phone games...in other words, anything other than sleep, sex, or waiting (5 to 20-30 minutes) for sleep.
Why people make this mistake: Many of these are fun/enjoyable/productive; the false belief that reading will “make” you sleep; undervaluing the importance of sleep; pressure from a bed partner to go to bed at the same time.
The cost of this mistake: Sleep opportunity is missed because it has been replaced; involvement in these activities activates the brain cells that maintain alertness – over time the bed then becomes a marker or stimulus for being awake; the bedroom also becomes less associated with sleep.
Commonly reported benefits of changing this:
You’re still able to do these activities, just not in bed. The bed becomes a much more reliable indicator for sleep. You’ll have much-decreased anxiety about the night will go, and you’ll actually look forward to getting into bed!
The majority of people report decreased reliance on activities or external products to help them to sleep; increased confidence that they will sleep fine; much more positive feelings about their bed and bedroom. Many describe a bedroom that is better organized for sleep that includes fewer temptations in the room such as TV, laptop, smartphone, snacks.
3. Not preparing for good sleep.
What it looks like: Assuming I’ll sleep because I want to sleep; a lack of pre-bed wind-down time; too much light exposure before bed; insufficient exercise/activity; alcohol, nicotine, caffeine use; going to bed with worries (did you just nod when I said that?); poor sleep conditions.
Why people make this mistake: Staying up later because “not sleepy” or involved in other activities; going straight from a demanding activity (work, child care, house chores, intense discussions) to the bed; screen time before bed; sedentary day; caffeine in the afternoon/evening; nicotine use in the evening; regular alcohol use in the evening; not allowing time to sort out/deal with worries before getting into bed; a bedroom that is too warm, too much light, too much noise, interrupted sleep by family or roommates.
The cost of this mistake: We don’t sleep because we want to! But when we don’t pay attention to and operate with wind-down practices, our quality of sleep suffers. Good sleep requires consistent habits and environmental conditions conducive to sleep.
Commonly reported benefits of changing this:
Many of these factors are very healthy habits in general; they provide the conditions for your sleep; these remove barriers to good sleep; these habits become part of a learned pattern that supports your sleep.
Focusing on the preparation for sleep and the environment in which you sleep will help you continue to value and defend your sleep; limiting your stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, energy drinks) and alcohol use will have definite positive effects on your falling and staying asleep, as well as other health benefits.
The majority of clients who focus on these changes notice more improvements in their sleep than those who disregard them; even if no sleep benefit is noticed, these are very positive health changes (decreased alcohol/nicotine/caffeine), increased activity/exercise; dealing with worries/demands before getting into the bed provide you with specific actions to take about your worries, and allow you to keep them out of the bed. Sleep, and our relationship with it, are impossible to remove from our general health and wellbeing!
So now that you better understand the most common barriers to being good in bed...to overcome your insomnia, let’s quickly go over what constitutes “normal” sleep. You know, I really don’t care for the word normal...but in this case, it’s really about normalizing occasional poor sleep. Yes, it’s true. The periodic night of poor sleep is quite common. In fact, it’s normal to have poor sleep up to two nights a week. Two nights a week. Remember that when you’re comparing notes with friends.
Here’s the real deal: No one has perfect sleep every night. It’s typical to have occasional awakenings. And whether you’re experiencing perfect sleep or all kinds of problems, remember this mantra: if not tonight, very likely tomorrow night.
Let’s now focus on one strategy for getting better sleep: managing your thoughts. When you buy the Good in Bed Workshop, you’ll learn all six strategies from Dr. Jim and in what order you’ll want to apply them. Today, though, we’re going to focus exclusively on your thought work. Gonna get up in your head!
This is a particularly important approach when you’re dealing with an overactive brain. A shorthand for this might be worry management. I have two exercises I’ll share with you. Both exercises will require you to actually write out your answers. So hit pause if you’re not at a table with pen and paper to do this. Because the power’s in actually doing the exercises.
Okay, so for this first exercise, there are five steps:
First, write out all of your worries. Or, like, most of them. I realize that’s a LONG list right now...
Then, divide them into two groups: those you can affect, and those you have no control over. You may wish to put them on separate pieces of paper.
As you consider your list of those worries you can affect, make notes of ideas for how you might plan to address them.
Next, write out a plan for dealing with those you can affect.
For those you cannot affect, focus on acceptance of them. There are plenty of acceptance practices available to you. One quick one is a practice I call, “Go with the Flow.”
The next time you wash your hands, feel the water flowing out of the tap. Sense the texture, the temperature, and pressure, the flow of the water as it cascades over your fingers. Take an intentional pause, breathe deeply, and accept this singular moment. Say to yourself, “This is now. All I have is today, this moment. I am here, now. I go with the flow. I choose to flow with life rather than against it. I accept this moment and I let it be just as it is.”
Okay, now on to the second exercise.
A common development when experiencing insomnia is to engage in a particular form of distorted thinking called catastrophizing. You might already recognize this for you, but here’s what it sounds like, “Oh, geez. If I’m unable to sleep tonight, then tomorrow’s going to be terrible. And I have that big presentation. Which means I really need to sleep. But I can’t. Ugh. I can’t believe this. I’m going to screw it up.”
For this exercise, there are three steps:
You’ll begin by writing down your catastrophizing thoughts.
Then, you’ll replace those thoughts with what has actually happened in the past when you haven’t slept well or are worried you wouldn’t. For example, do you always sleep poorly when you worry about it? Do you always have horrible days after you don’t sleep well? Has poor sleep actually ever caused any other events you worry will happen? Are there other reasons why you have bad days besides poor sleep? Getting clear on these distinctions is really important.
Finally, you’ll write down your replacement thoughts that offer a more accurate and helpful story. One example might sound like, “I’ve had occasional nights of poor sleep before and have still been able to perform well at my job.”
These are two powerful exercises to support your thought work in overcoming insomnia to be good. In. Bed.
Okay, friends. Today, you’ve learned:
The three most common sleep mistakes
What “normal” sleep is
One effective strategy for dealing with insomnia...this supports people experiencing chronic insomnia, too
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