40-Something Woman Hospitalized in "Balanced" Lifestyle Attempt

A 43-year-old woman was admitted to the emergency room this afternoon after several attempts at a "balanced lifestyle.” Symptoms include exhaustion, depletion of savings, paranoia, and inadequate space to store personal care products.

HISTORY

Patient reports attempting a balanced lifestyle after experiencing classic gateway paths: the Whole30, CorePower yoga, Golden Milk lattes, and Pinterest. She then hosted a book club for seven friends, serving exclusively Paleo appetizers and Prosecco sorbet. “I stopped by barre class after work, picked up all the ingredients from Whole Foods, jumped into the shower, prepped the meal, and entertained until 10:3o PM. It was all soooo nourishing.”

DISCUSSION OF DISEASE

Balanced Lifestyle Syndrome was first reported in 2008 and reached epidemic proportions several years later with spikes in New York, Los Angeles, Sydney, and affluent suburbs where there is more than one fresh-pressed juice shop within a 15-mile radius. The disease is highly contagious. The best-known vectors are websites that create weekly content such as “How to Style the Ultimate Guest Bedroom” and “10 Ways to Regret-Proof Your Life,” or any magazine cover featuring Gwyneth Paltrow. Earliest reported cases usually involve smoothie bowl Instagram posts accompanied by #blessed, #fitspo, and #cleaneats.

PROGNOSIS

The prognosis is poor since the patient states she is planning on buying all of this season's top picks from Lululemon, detoxing using only the Master Cleanse, and getting a leech facial. “I create macramé at night after my 10-minute butt blaster workout and making kale ice cream.”

TREATMENT

Sick family members, work deadlines, a dirty bathroom

FOLLOW UP

The patient returned for evaluation and is doing well. She reports considerable relief after complaining to her friends about the need to touch up her gray roots every six weeks and then doing nothing about it. She also says she feels absolutely no shame in taking 24 hours to respond to a text.