Opening the Autoimmunite's Chakras*


Energy Healing for the Desperate*

The Root Chakra

Begin with some deep breathing. Bring your attention to a warm light traveling up your spine. That warmth is inflammation. Sit with it for a moment. But not a literal moment since you’ve got hours of batch cooking to do for the week ahead.

The Sacral Chakra

Awaken your sacral chakra by sitting on the floor cross-legged. On second thought, don’t sit cross-legged. Your joints already ache. Grab your journal to start writing to give yourself compassion and emotional stability as you lie down on your sofa.

The Solar Plexus Chakra

Located above your belly button, this energy center governs confidence and self-esteem. It also holds the fanny pack for all your homemade snacks you’ll need to have on hand. Shock this chakra open by chanting any of Trump’s “Make school lunch great again” policies three times.

The Heart Chakra

Let’s be honest, this one’s already open. Autoimmunites are the proverbial canaries in the coal mine, beautifully intuitive and sensitive to stressors and environmental dangers before the rest of the population. Stay woke, friends.

The Throat Chakra

Start by clearing your throat. Softly at first, to remind yourself that your voice matters. Now a little louder. So the waiter knows you mean business when you request an AIP-compliant meal during dinner. Now just straight up shout. So people in this world pay attention that autoimmune diseases are on the rise and disproportionately affecting women. Now that you are completely hoarse, open the throat chakra with the power of Halls cough drops. Oops…just kidding…they aren’t AIP-compliant.

The Third Eye Chakra

Concentrate on creating an actual third eye. Now concentrate on moving it to the back of your head. You’ll need it there when you realize your so-called friends are griping behind your back about your many AIP-related dietary accommodations during an otherwise fun night out.

The Crown Chakra

The crown chakra is located on the top of your head and is known for being the center of inspiration, positivity, and connection with your higher self and the life force. Open yours by balancing your daily To-Do List on it.


*Disclaimer: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only. As someone who practices energy healing, I'm often met with curiosity, fascination, and skepticism about this work. Fortunately, scientific journal studies have repeatedly proven its powers: everything from improving range of motion to managing chronic pain to reducing the side effects of chemotherapy (and more) can be accomplished through various energy healing modalities.