Obituary: Goodbye to 37-year-old Meghan

 

Meghan “Meggie/Magdalena/Magoo/Magee/Gisele/Geezie/Weezie/Tweezie/Louise/Lefty Lou/Lefty/Kraus/Krauter/Krau Krau/Crazy Krause/Krowzie/MK/Mmmmmmmkay” Krause made her last wildly inappropriate[1] comment on July 7th, 2016.

Meggie was born and immediately dubbed "the favorite child" to Curt and Karen Krause on July 8, 1978. Their constant love, support, and caring often exceeded what Lefty deserved[2].

At an early age, Tweezie professed her faith in the Church of the Well-groomed Eyebrow, where she served faithfully as senior counselor to the Our Lady of Perpetual Surprise Guild[3] and head of the Virgin Eyebrow Formation Committee[4].

Magoo was united in holy matrimony to Spanish cheese in May of 1998, a union that remained strong[5] throughout her life.

Krau Krau’s meandering employment history reflected her interest in wanting to help the masses as much as her fear of commitment. She had two basic philosophies regarding work: “create good in the world” and “windowless cubes are soul-sucking.”

Mmmmmmmkay lived a full life. She traveled where she wanted to travel[6], guffawed at every chance[7], and even dined with one of her life idols, Sir Richard Branson[8]. Her extensive vocabulary was only slightly more useful than her encyclopedic memory of inconsequential pop culture facts. She leaves behind a world-renowned reputation for darting between multiple events in a given evening and turning any line of a conversation into a song lyric[9].

Ever the sports and music enthusiast, MK passed knowing that Roger Federer is the all-time greatest tennis player[10], The Sound of Music was the best movie musical ever, Prince was the best all-around musician, and that her natural brawn and short limbs could have made for a damn fine career as a competitive weightlifter.

Crazy Krause is survived by an occasionally dysfunctional family[11]. She will be sorely missed by her slightly more adult, 38-year-old self and a handful of people who might speak fondly of her, if pressed[12].

 

[1] Future comments will be restricted to moderately inappropriate.

[2] Especially after she behaved as the “Worst Daughter Ever” on an ill-fated bike ride in the Aran Islands.

[3] A support group for women in recovery from over-plucking in the ‘90s.

[4] Shaping virgin eyebrows into more sculpted face framers was one of Meghan’s greatest joys in life.

[5] Despite dalliances with other cheeses, Spanish cheeses were her one true love.

[6] Except to the Amana Colonies, which were unceremoniously foisted upon her at age 13.

[7] Preferably in quiet places, like Mrs. Sack’s school library.

[8] She nearly mistook Sir Branson's classically British cheek kisses as sexual advances. Just kidding. She stared like a deer into the headlights of an oncoming car as he gamely leaned in for the cheek kisses.

[9] Future game show idea?

[10] And all-time dreamiest tennis player.

[11] Who isn’t?

[12] She already paid them for LinkedIn recommendations.